


rivers and roads

by lesbianrobin



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Epistolary, Friends to Lovers, Letters, M/M, Pen Pals, Post-Season/Series 03, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 38,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23034265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianrobin/pseuds/lesbianrobin
Summary: Jonathan,Checking to see if I got the right address for you guys. Just in case, you know?And I thought you'd want to know that even though the kids miss Will and El a lot they're getting by OK so far. Everybody is a little quieter but Mike isn't showing any signs of deppression which I know was like a legitimate concern. But you probably already hear about him from Nancy so I'm sure you already knew.Anyways you don't have to write back if you just put a big check mark over this paper and do the "return to sender" thing or whatever that works and I'll know you got it.Thanks,Steve
Relationships: Jonathan Byers/Steve Harrington
Comments: 195
Kudos: 439





	1. twenty cents

It comes only a week and a half after they've moved in.

"Jonathan, mail for you!"

"What?" 

"From Steve Harrington," Mom says, dropping the envelope on his lap as if it's normal.

It's a plain white envelope. The business-y kind, not fancy stationary or anything. There's some dude in old-timey football gear on the stamp, presumably named Jim Thorpe since that's what it says by his head. It says 20¢ by his feet. Steve Harrington paid twenty cents to send him a letter.

"Thanks," he says, even though Mom has already moved on into the kitchen. Jonathan does his best not to tear the paper as he peels the envelope open.

There's a single sheet of notebook paper folded neatly in thirds. Steve wrote in pencil, and there are smudges in a couple of spots where he must have erased something.

> _Jonathan_ ,
> 
> Checking to see if I got the right address for you guys. Just in case, you know? 
> 
> And I thought you'd want to know that even though the kids miss Will and El a lot they're getting by OK so far. Everybody is a little quieter but Mike isn't showing any signs of deppression which I know was like a legitimate concern. But you probably already hear about him from Nancy so I'm sure you already knew.
> 
> Anyways you don't have to write back if you just put a big check mark over this paper and do the "return to sender" thing or whatever that works and I'll know you got it.
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> _Steve_

It takes him two days to send a letter back in its own envelope, since he has to drive down to the post office and buy some stamps. Mom has her own stash, but looking at it stresses Jonathan out because there are certain ones she's saving and certain ones that are fine to use and he never knows which is which, so it's probably for the best that he just buys his own. He'll need them soon for mailing applications anyway. The old lady at the post office asks him which kind he wants, and then he has a minor crisis trying to figure out which kind is the most innocuous and appropriate for sending to your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, because everything they have is floral or seasonal or some weird niche thing Jonathan doesn't know anything about, or they're patriotic which kind of rubs Jonathan the wrong way now that he has an adopted little sister who had her childhood intentionally stolen from her by the government.

He thinks about it for entirely too long.

"Just, uh, whatever… uh, the… It doesn't matter."

She gives him a sheet of vintage-looking portraits of people Jonathan doesn't recognize. He hopes they aren't politicians.

> _Steve_ ,
> 
> I'm glad to hear Mike is doing okay. I honestly think you might see more of him than Nancy these days- she always says that she doesn't really know what's up with him and she's just kind of hoping that he's fine. As far as I know, whenever he's home, he's either holed up in the basement or in his room and he doesn't talk to Nancy much. He spends a lot of time on the phone with Will and El, so it's good to know he's still going out with the others and seeing you sometimes.
> 
> The address is correct, obviously. You left out an "L" in "Hillcrest," but it made it here fine, so who cares? All the numbers are right. Thanks for double checking. Even if nothing bad happens, I'm sure one day the kids will come knocking down your door with a road-trip in mind, and then you'll already be prepared. 
> 
> Will wants you to give this drawing to the Party. I guess he doesn't want to pick favorites by sending it to one of them directly so he's making us do the work. It's actually really faithful to what the house looks like, I took a picture and if you look at them side-by-side, all of the proportions and even the framing are almost identical. El is also having me put a bracelet in here for Max. She met a group of girls at school who showed her how to make them and she's really proud, and she wants you to tell Max that she made herself one too so they match. Don't tell any of the kids, but she and Will were both extremely moody until they started at the high school, and now they're both too busy to be upset. Will's riding high on his growth spurt and the shine of being the new kid, so he's got enough pull to make sure people are nice to El even when she's being… well, El. Just tell them all that Will and El are making friends but they haven't found anyone as cool as the Party. 
> 
> I'm actually starting to think that maybe everyone in Hawkins just watches too many movies or something, because people are kind of alright here. Maybe it's just because we haven't had time to earn bad reputations or find anyone's dark side, but everyone is pretty friendly. All the kids at the high school are just sort of friends with everyone else. People have their groups and all, but it doesn't really feel like there's much of a hierarchy. Some of the people I'm in AP classes with are annoying and convinced they're the next Einstein, but on the whole everybody is cool. El's had a few run-ins with bullies, but whatever story Mom told her teachers has made them really protective of her, and she's definitely not afraid to stand up for herself, so between that and Will introducing her to all the kids in his Art class that pride themselves on being unique and accepting, she's transitioning a lot more smoothly than I thought. She definitely had to cheat off of Will on her first-ever quiz. I figure she's earned that right, and she's so motivated that I'm sure she'll manage to learn it all pretty soon anyway.
> 
> Sorry to make you read all of that. Like I said, the address is good- Two L's in Hillcrest- the bracelet is for Max, and you can just toss Will's picture in the air and let the boys fight over it or whatever. Maybe give it straight to Mike if he seems really down.
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> _Jonathan_

It's entirely too long. Steve didn't ask for any of it. Jonathan folds it up and stuffs it in regardless, sealing the envelope with a piece of tape to make sure El's bracelet won't fall out, and puts it in the mailbox before he can think about it any more.


	2. she'll think you're psychic

> _Jonathan,_
> 
> They tore the drawing to shreds like a pack of wild animals it was awful. There was so much blood. Lucas was the only survivor. Max put her bracelet on the second I gave it to her and I’ve seen it on her wrist every day since. It’s kind of cute I'm pretty sure she's never gonna take it off. And you don’t have to say sorry for writing all of that it’s good to hear about how they’re doing. You guys just had to leave me here with all of the yell-y ones and they’re all constantly bitching about high school like they’re being tortured all day which I guess looking back at high school is kind of fair but still they’re so dramatic.
> 
> Nobody asked me but I think El should try a sport or something at school just if she’s interested. A lot of other freshmen will be just as clueless about the rules as she is and she’s like super smart and strong and fast so if she wanted to she could be on a varsity soccer, volleyball, or softball team by sophomore year. I’m just saying because I know sports can help you make friends and she’ll be on a level playing field (NO PUN) which could help her feel more like stable or secure or whatever. Girls in sports are generaly way nicer than the guys according to Robin she’s super tight with the girls on her soccer team. Plus if she’s on a team then she has more incentive to work hard and keep her grades up because I know she’s been telling Dustin on the phone that grades are stupid and unfair. She’s kind of right but don’t tell her that obviously we want her to at least do better than I did, haha.
> 
> You don’t have to write back but I have like a ton of stamps now and nothing else to do with them so if you do want to keep writing that’s cool. I can like give you updates on what’s going on here since god knows Nancy doesn’t pay attention to that kind of shit like I garuntee you she hasn’t even noticed that they put up a light in that one intersection near the grocery store and now cops camp out there to catch people blowing through it which happens like all the time. If she calls you and complains about getting a ticket you can tell her where it happened and she’ll think you’re psychic.
> 
> I know the kids are doing good but I hope you and your mom are okay too.
> 
> _Steve_

-

> _Steve_ ,
> 
> First of all, as far as I’m aware you really didn’t do that bad in high school. You got a diploma and that’s pretty successful in my book.
> 
> I talked with Mom about your sports idea and she actually agrees with you. The uniforms and practices and everything can be a lot to handle, but El feels really pent-up without her powers and I think it would be worth it if she found something she actually enjoyed. She said Max has been talking about going out for softball (and if you coach her she’s definitely gonna have a strong swing so that sounds like a good plan) and she’d like to try it herself. I think El might be better at soccer or volleyball, though. I don’t really have much reasoning behind this, it’s not like I even know all the rules, I just have a feeling. I don’t think she’d like standing around on the bases.
> 
> Mom is doing about as well as can be expected. She likes her new job and she says all of her coworkers are nice, and I don’t think she’s just saying it to make us all feel better. They pay her more than Melvald’s ever did. I’ve been applying around town, too. There’s a photo studio with a help wanted sign up, but I’m pretty sure they’re looking for someone full-time. I’m still gonna go in and see if they have any work for me but I’ll probably end up working in food, which is fine except for the fact that it’s terrible and I hate it. I don’t know if you know this, but I worked in that diner off Main for like a month when I was fourteen and it was possibly the most miserable month of my life, deadly and life-threatening events notwithstanding. Then again, I didn’t have to wear a sailor suit, so you probably have me beat for shitty jobs.
> 
> Speaking of jobs, how’s Family Video so far? Will told me you’ve been hooking everyone up with extended rentals. I think he’s jealous.
> 
> I guess that’s about it. I’ve got plenty of stamps, too, if you were wondering.
> 
> _Jonathan_


	3. something nice

> _ Jonathan, _
> 
> You still haven’t really said how you’re doing. You know Robin says I’m not as oblivius as I look. You don’t have to tell me but I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to hear the answer so you don’t have to worry about talking about yourself. If anyone asks I never said this but I know it can suck when you feel like you have to be OK for other people so you can be real with me and I won’t try to like play shrink or anything. 
> 
> Okay I’m done being weird. Max did ask me to help her get ready for tryouts but I’m really scared of putting a bat in her hands so Robin is trying to recruit her for the soccer team but I think she just really wants to hit stuff so its a no-go so far. She’s a determined little shit and she doesn’t get discoraged by scraped knees and stuff so I think she’ll be really great, I just hope she doesn’t get into any fights when she’s up to bat because that would probably end in her getting arrested or at least kicked off the team and that’s the last thing she needs.
> 
> Family Video is weird. I don’t really know anything about movies but if I say something is good or bad everybody just believes me it’s kind of funny. Like the other day I told Chris Francis that Sophie’s Choice would be a good date night movie and he just took my word for it and rented it without even reading the back of the case and now today I heard he and Lindsay are fighting because I guess he kept trying to make out with her while Meryl Streep was in Auschwitz. I feel kind of bad about it but Robin thinks it’s his own fault and he’s not good enough for her anyway so I don’t know. I honestly was just kidding, I didn’t think he’d believe me I thought everyone heard about Sophie’s Choice even if they didn’t see it you know? I’m gonna try to use my power for good and make everybody watch Dog Day Afternoon because Robin showed it to me and that movie is so good. Robin would know why it’s good but I just know that I didn’t get bored the entire time except for a couple of times when they were talking a lot but that’s my fault and I feel like you’re the kind of person who likes really talk-y movies so you should watch it if you haven’t. It’s about a bank robbery and it’s based on a true story but not in the way they slap “based on a true story” at the begginning of horror movies to scare you like it actually happened. 
> 
> Anyways Keith is our manager which sucks. He hates me. I’ve literally never done anything to him except exist which I guess was enough back in high school. I never did anything to Keith right? I know I was an asshole to you but straight up I swear I never even talked to him before now but he acts like it’s his mission in life to make me miserable even though I’m actually a decent employee and I’ve already covered shifts for him like three times when I didn’t have to. I think maybe he’s just jealous that girls don’t leave the store when I greet them the way they do with him sometimes which is definitely weird and kind of drastic but I guess I don’t blame them since he sucks.
> 
> That’s about all. You know nothing ever really happens in Hawkins. 
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Steve, _
> 
> Thanks. I don’t really know how I’m doing. I’m okay, I guess. There’s nothing wrong with the house. Nothing bad’s happened here. Everyone’s more or less nice. It’s just weird. As much as I know I always said I hated Hawkins, I don’t know if anywhere else will ever really feel like home. None of this feels real yet. I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually.
> 
> This is kind of weird, but I feel like I should warn you about Keith. Nancy told me that one time he tried to make some kind of deal with Mike to get a date with her and Mike made it sound extremely skeezy. He just seems kind of gross. Not that I don’t think Robin can take care of herself, but I’d just keep an eye on him if I were you, in case he tries doing… well, the kind of thing you broke my camera for, I guess. I apologized to Nancy back then but I don’t think we ever actually talked about it, so this is me saying I’m genuinely very sorry about that. I know it was fucked up. I’m personally more or less done thinking about everything that happened back then and I’m not trying to dredge anything up, I just thought it would be kind of hypocritical for me to say anything about Keith without acknowledging it. 
> 
> Now I’m done being weird. I actually have seen Dog Day Afternoon before, but I didn’t think it would be your kind of movie. I guess I don’t actually know what movies you like besides Risky Business, which isn’t really my thing. I really like Alfred Hitchcock movies. If you haven’t seen any you should give Rear Window or Rebecca a try. They can be really talk-y but Hitchcock is great at building tension so you’re still invested even when there isn’t much action happening. They are in black and white and the acting can be a little melodramatic since they’re older, but they’re honestly masterpieces of filmmaking in my opinion, whatever that counts for. 
> 
> If you do try Rebecca, fair warning: it’s pretty long, and the beginning is kind of slow. It’s about a girl who marries this old money aristocratic guy whose first wife died mysteriously. I think the protagonist is magnetic enough that the film gets away with its length, and it really does add to the tension later on once you’ve sat with her and gotten to know who she is and inhabited her point of view for a while. Rear Window might be a better place to start, if that’s something you’re interested in. It’s about a guy with a broken leg spying on his neighbors from the window while he’s stuck in a wheelchair all day. It’s much more entertaining than it sounds. He ends up playing detective, and his limited mobility really adds to the tension.
> 
> I’m not expecting you to write back with reviews or anything, just figured I’d give you some classics to recommend if you want your next customer to think you know what you’re talking about. I don’t think anybody really knows what they’re talking about. As long as you act confident, you could probably make just about anyone think you’re the next Spielberg.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Jonathan, _
> 
> Fuck you for making me watch Rebecca. That was so twisted. What was up with that MAID she was so CREEPY?? I wanted Maxim to just die and give the girl all his money and let her live her life. Let her be a tennis star or whatever. Its so fucked up that like her whole life just became this guy and then she was always in Rebecca’s shadow even though Rebecca was DEAD! Did she really not have a name? At first I thought I just wasn’t paying attention and then I checked the box and they literally didn’t even give her a name! What the hell?
> 
> I’m gonna watch Rear Window whenever the lady who has it out now brings it back. There are a bunch of other Hitchcock movies here and if Sharon Freeman doesn’t hurry up and bring her tapes back I’ll probably just check them out instead. I like watching stuff in black and white it always reminds me of when I was little you know? Everything my parents watched was always black and white or that weird thing where they add in the colors later. On its own like obviously being in color is better than being in black and white but there’s still just something nice about black and white.
> 
> I know I said I wouldn’t play shrink so I’m not going to. I’m just going to say that I think about leaving Hawkins a lot but then I always wonder what the hell I’d even do anywhere else and it feels like I’m glued here or something. Hawkins feels so small and huge at the same time. Like sometimes when I drive out to the city for something I think I’m just gonna drive right back into town and it’s gonna be like one big loop and I can’t leave. Robin talks about getting out of town a lot and I always go along with it but I feel like I’ll never get to leave the way she will. I don’t know if I really want to. Hawkins sucks but at least there are people here. They’re smart though so I know they’re gonna leave eventually and I don’t really know what I’ll do then. Maybe it’s good that you had to go.
> 
> So anyways Max is definitely gonna try for softball. Dustin’s been learning stats to support her. Lucas pitches for her so she can practice hitting and he’s got a hell of an arm. Mike says he doesn’t want anything to do with it but he still hangs around while we all help her practice and I caught him smiling yesterday when she made it all the way around our shitty diamond before me and Lucas and Robin could even figure out where the hell the ball went. I think maybe there are still portals here because that thing literally disappeared and we couldn’t find it for ten minutes and then suddenlly it was just behind the bench Mike was on which made no sense. 
> 
> I’m thinking about finding my own place soon. Real estate is pretty cheap in Hawkins since we’re like officially haunted by aliens now or whatever all the conspiracy people think. Sometimes weirdos come into the store and ask if we’ve ever had a spooky experience or whatever here and me and Robin always make up some shit that gets them going for a while before Robin tells them they’re exploiting a tragedy and they need to stop asking people about real deaths like it’s all a big game and it always makes them look really guilty and they apologize before they leave which is cool. She’s good at stuff like that. When I’m alone I always just talk about whatever new movie we got in until they leave. 
> 
> Sometimes they get a little too close to the truth. I never really felt great about living here since this all started but ever since the summer its like we’re all exposed. I guess I never realized how much Hopper made it seem like everything was gonna be okay no matter what happened.
> 
> Sorry to be a downer I really did like Rebecca and I’ll let you know about Rear Window.
> 
> Are there other photography geeks at your school? Also is there a better word for that? Photography fans? Camera goons? Shutterbugs? I’m not gonna call you a shutterbug.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Steve _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope everyone is enjoying this so far! i've got the next few chapters ready and i'll try to post a new chapter every few days, at least once a week until it's complete! as always i'd love to hear y'alls thoughts <3


	4. downer

> _Steve,_
> 
> Just say photographer.
> 
> The photo studio didn’t want anything to do with me, but there is a club at school and I’ve been adding a lot to my portfolio recently. It’s cool to collaborate with other people. I’m honestly kind of terrible at it, I’m used to doing my own thing, but I’d like to think I’m getting better. There’s just not enough time in the day. You actually inspired me and I went and applied to the movie theater here in town and they hired me, so I’ve been mostly snapping random objects in the glow of the popcorn machine and whatever weird shit I can find in the alley out back. If anything, at least it’s challenging me to be a bit more creative. Will and El spent all last weekend skulking around the place watching movies for free until I shooed them away and made them go outside for a couple hours.
> 
> I’ve got a lot of work right now and I’m gonna try and keep myself from spending too much time writing, so if this letter is short that’s why. I’m glad you liked Rebecca, and it’s good to hear that Mike is having a little fun (even if it’s against his will). Will has made proper friends with a few of the art kids, and El actually got invited to a sleepover with those girls who showed her how to make bracelets a while back. Mom is really nervous about it. We all just want El to feel normal so badly. 
> 
> She and Will are honestly doing so much better than I thought they would. They both get quiet sometimes, and El has a habit of throwing tantrums at me when Mom isn’t around, but they’re really making friends and their grades are mostly C’s and up. Well, Will's are. El is hovering more in the D range, though she actually got a 73 on an English test recently. I cried a little bit. We were all seriously worried that going to school just wasn't going to be a possibility for her, but she’s been trying so hard and every assignment gets a little bit better. Her friends don’t really get why she’s so proud of her C’s but they aren’t mean about it either. 
> 
> Will’s new friends are really different from the kids. I think maybe he did it on purpose. Every time he talks about something fun he did at school or in Art Club he gets this guilty look in his eye like he’s cheating on the Party. His new friends seem to really like him, though, so I think it’s just a matter of time before he really lets himself enjoy it. 
> 
> You aren’t being a downer. We all miss Hopper. It’s stupid, but he always seemed kind of invincible to me. The world feels a lot darker now. 
> 
> Like I said, I have a lot of homework and I need to stop procrastinating. Good luck with finding a place, if you decide that’s what you want to do. Just promise me you aren’t gonna put some tacky frat bro shit on the walls. I’ll ask Dustin, and if he says you have that Farrah Fawcett bathing suit poster up or something, I’m going to come back to Hawkins just to tear it down. 
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_

-

> _Jonathan,_
> 
> You really think so little of me? Obviously I have a poster of Christie Brinkley not Farrah Fawcett. I’m not THAT stereotypical.
> 
> In all honesty when I do get my own place it’s going to be so awful I'm going to put up all of the stuff my mom won't let me have in the house. I'll steal a cutout from work and just hang out with cardboard Phoebe Cates all the time it'll be great. 
> 
> Really though decor is kind of the last thing on my mind. I just want to come home from work and not have to worry about my dad being an asshole as soon as I walk in the door. My mom is nice about it but I know she expected me to be out of the house by now or at least be in school or something.
> 
> I have to go Dustin needs my help with something but I know Robin is starting to stress out about college applications so I assume you are too. Don’t psych yourself out alright you’re smart and any college will see that.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

-

> _Dear Jonathan_
> 
> Im at a party and I kind of just lockd myself in Gene Hammons bedroom and therea re people outside so I cant’ just leave by mysef so I’m just gonna sit in here untill it gets leat and I can go.. he has fancy paper. Actually this might be his sitsers room yeah this is his sisters room oops. I was jus t thinking about the summer and I don’t think I canget drunk anymore. Its not good I don’tfeel good I feel like puking but I barely even drunk. I can’t remember the word but its tight in hre and I can’t breath the word for that is like santa claus? that word. 
> 
> I wish youor Robin was here but your a millon miles away and Robin had a thing and so it sucks it sucks bad partys suck I am just going to stay in here untill they all leave. 
> 
> _love Steve_

-

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> I’m honestly impressed that you drunk-mailed a letter. Maybe you should take a break from the partying for a while, or only go if Robin goes with you? I don’t really like going to crowded places alone and it always helps me to have someone there who gets it. 
> 
> Are you doing okay? I don’t mean to pry or anything. We can just ignore it if you want. I know you went through a lot of serious shit in the mall and I don’t know the full story, but I’ll gladly listen if you want to tell me about it. We all went through something and I promise you aren’t the only one.
> 
> _Jonathan_

-

> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> I’m probably not doing technically okay but I don’t really have anything to talk about either. Everything is just weird you know? I don’t drive drunk or anything if you’re worried about that. I’ve been looking at rentals.
> 
> How’s working at the theater?
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

-

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> I never thought you’d drive drunk. You aren’t stupid. At least tell me you’ll talk to Robin if you need to.
> 
> The theater is good. I hate the vest they make us wear. It’s a pretty nice job, though. It pays okay and they give me a lot of hours. People from school come in all weekend and they all know my name now. Some of them come by half an hour before their movie starts just to hang around and chat at the counter. This one guy Drew has seen A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge at least five times. I’m kind of worried about him. It’s not a good movie, he goes alone every time, and if you say it’s a sex thing I’ll have a mental breakdown because I have to sit next to him in class every day. I’ve been telling myself he’s just the kind of person who really likes bad movies and watches them for a laugh because I’m too scared to ask him what he’s doing. 
> 
> Working at the theater is weird, because I feel like I know way too much and absolutely nothing about these people all at once. Like Drew. I don’t know anything about him except that he’s pulling solid B’s in history and he might have a weird thing for scarred dudes with knife-fingers. I think Freddy Kreuger might be one of the grossest horror movie villains to have a thing for. At least Jason Voorhees is, like… a human person. Not that a chainsaw is much better than the knife-fingers. Ugh. I’m just gonna keep telling myself it’s not a sex thing.
> 
> Have you gotten around to watching Rear Window yet?
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_

-

> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> It is totally a sex thing. Sorry your new friend wants to screw Freddy Kreuger at least you know he’s interesting. Everybody in Hawkins is so boring. Sharon Freeman’s really been racking up the late fees on Rear Window so I still haven’t watched it. It's so annoying she dropped off all the other stuff she had out but not Rear Window. 
> 
> I do talk to Robin a lot. She’s trying to find me a hobby and I keep telling her I don’t need a hobby I just need a life but she seems to think their the same thing. We already tried crafting and my kitchen smelled like smoke for a week and I burned the shit out of my hand. 
> 
> Working at Family Video is a lot like that thing you have too where you know a lot about someone even though you don’t feel like you earned it. Now if I want I can just go and look up everything Tommy ever rented and make fun of it which me and Robin don’t do because Tommy sucks and who wants to waste time thinking about him but you know we could do that if we wanted to which is just weird. 
> 
> Do you have any other movies to recomend? Something kind of batshit like Rebecca but maybe not so slow or just like with more stuff going on. Working here is like going to a restaurant that has like a million different things on the menu so by the time you get to the end you already forgot everything that sounded good and you can’t pick so you panic and just order the same old thing every time. I just keep watching Footloose over and over. Dustin’s stuff is always fun but it’s not cool the way Rebecca is like it doesn’t make you think. Robin’s stuff is the opposite you always have to spend like the next three hours figuring out what you just watched and I never get it right. Sometimes I think of stuff she didn’t think of and she’s like surprised which is extremely rude of her but not really because I never expect myself to think of stuff like that either. I can’t remember any examples but it happens. 
> 
> I’m gonna try some of the other Hitchcock stuff maybe I’ll let you know or Twilight Zone because Robin really likes it. Have you watched Twilight Zone? We have all the episodes I think.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_


	5. good kids

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I am so insanely curious as to what sorts of crafts you and Robin tried to do that resulted in such a calamity. I’m really hoping that by “burned the shit out of my hand” you mean it hurt for a few days, not that you needed skin grafts at the hospital. Were you guys making candles or something? Cooking? I don’t think cooking really counts as “crafting.” Please tell me there were no blowtorches involved.
> 
> You might like The Haunting, since you liked Rebecca so much. It’s about this lady who goes to an old haunted house to prove that it’s haunted, and then she gets haunted. Obviously a lot of twists and turns in that one. Sometimes it feels kind of like Rebecca, if Rebecca was actually a ghost and not just dead the entire time. The Haunting has more characters and some of them are actually likeable, which is nice, but there also isn’t really a big mystery like Rebecca. It is in black and white, though, which I know you like. 
> 
> Another one that I think you’ll enjoy is Rosemary’s Baby. It’s not in black and white but the colors are kind of nice and soothing. It’s a little more muted than most stuff today, you know? You’ve probably heard about it before if you haven’t seen it. If you got angry about the girl in Rebecca, you’re gonna lose your mind over Rosemary. It is pretty fucked up, though, so maybe don’t watch it if you think it might freak you out. It’s about this young couple moving into a new fancy apartment in New York and trying to start a family, but their neighbors are kind of shady…
> 
> I don’t want to give away too much. How’s the apartment search? Or are you looking for a house? Now that I think about it, there aren’t really many apartments around Hawkins. Are you going to have to get a roommate? I’m thinking about what I'll do next year, and the idea of having to sign a lease with some other dumb teenager is giving me hives. At the same time, I don’t think I could live in a dorm and share a room with a stranger, either.
> 
> Not that I really know I’ll be going to college next year. I probably won’t. It just doesn’t make sense right now. There’s no reason to leave everyone when we’ve only just started to settle in here. I’m going to apply to a few places anyway, just in case someone feels like throwing me a scholarship, but I don’t really like the idea of leaving while Will and El are still in school. I know he’s getting older and soon he’ll be doing Driver’s Ed and everything, but I can’t help feeling like Will is still a baby. Like I have to protect him. He hates it and I try to be cool but it’s hard. It was hard even before everything happened. When he and El stick together I feel better about it, but I still hate not knowing where he is all the time, and they get in arguments often enough that they’re apart more than they’re together. 
> 
> I knew they weren’t just going to magically get along, but Will is being kind of bratty lately and making things worse. El is the weird one at school now, not him, and I think it’s going to his head a little bit. El won’t rat him out but I know he hasn’t been helping her in class as much. Mom and I help her with her homework, but she needs him too. I just don’t know how to tell him without it seeming like an attack. I know he doesn’t mean to leave her hanging. He’s having fun with his friends and I don’t want him to think I’m mad at him or trying to punish him for it. El just had some kind of falling out with the girls at school and I’m worried about her.
> 
> Nancy tells me that you’ve been keeping a close eye on all the kids and helping them out with dumb high school stuff a lot lately. Got any advice?
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> Is El in any clubs? I know she probably needs to spend a lot more time on homework than the other kids so it might not be possible but maybe if she did like a nerd club or a sport or something like I said a while back that could help? Just something that makes her happy where she doesn’t feel left behind. I know she likes messing around with fashion maybe you could find something she can do with that. Me and Robin and Max put together some comics and stuff for her that should show up soon. You don’t have to tell her that its from us since she never got to know Robin really and she might think its weird. Some of the magazines might be a bit hard for her right now but I think she’ll want them in the future you know? She can learn about things they don’t talk about in school. If your mom thinks we are indoctrinating her blame Robin she wants Max and El to grow up and be feminists and overthrow the government or something. There will be a mixtape in there for El too I helped Max make it and said I’d send it for her so you can just tell El its all from Max if that works. 
> 
> Anyways not all siblings are like you. Mike and Nancy love eachother but they don’t want to be all up in eachother’s business all the time and if you tried to force them they’d probably tear eachother to shreds. Lucas would die for Erica in a second but all they ever do is call each other names and stuff. Maybe Will is just feeling more like that lately. You like being the big brother but he’s always been the young one so my guess is he doesn’t feel like its fair that he has to look after her now when he didn’t ask for it. I know its not always like that and El can take care of herself but she still doesn’t know a lot of stuff that Will does and so I think he needs to put himself in her shoes and realize that he would need help too if he had never went to school before or if he lost your mom. 
> 
> There good kids. You’re a good brother and Joyce is like the best mom in the world (no offense to my mom but like if I disappeared and the lights started flickering she would just call an electrician you know none of this would have happened) and there gonna be OK. Just let them know you will always be there if they need you and make sure they know you mean it and let them figure the rest out for themselves high school is hard. 
> 
> And I won’t tell you to leave your family because that’s a hard choice to make but I really think if you can go to college you should do it Jonathan. You deserve to go somewhere where everybody else is smart and artistic and stuff and you can talk about pictures and cameras and movies and music all day with people who get it. Don’t just give up before you even try you know? I know your mom and Will don’t want you to hold yourself back for them. 
> 
> OK I’m done now. I watched The Haunting with Robin and she really really loved it so thank you for the recomendation. We started watching a Twilight Zone after work every night too its awesome. I didn’t like The Haunting as much as Rebecca but I still liked it. We watched it like three days ago and I still don’t know how I feel about the ending. At first I was really upset but then Robin said it was actually the happiest ending Nell could have had but I still don’t know. I get what she means like she didn’t have anywhere else to go but at the same time, she had the whole world you know? She just thought she had nowhere else to go. I wish Nell and Theo had stayed friends and like left the house together to go be psychics or whatever. That could make a cool show like they have an apartment in the city and they hunt ghosts or something, and Theo is the scandalus one and Nell is the sensible one but also Nell is kind of crazy so I don’t know. 
> 
> Horror movies always get me because I hate when the end isn’t happy. I know sometimes the point is that the end isn’t happy but I still want everybody to live happily ever after like its a kids movie or something. I didn’t watch Rosemary’s Baby yet I can’t decide if I want to or not because you made it sound like its gonna be really bad. If they hurt a baby I'm gonna turn it off and never talk to you again.
> 
> I still haven’t moved out. Obviously. I don’t want to be at home anymore but I don’t really like any of the places I saw and I would be living alone or with some random and I don’t really like either of those options. What I really want is to live with Robin or something but obviously she’s still in school and so that can’t happen for a while. Moving out is really intimidating too. Like I know it’s permanent so even though I want to do it I’m kind of putting it off.
> 
> What schools are you applying to?
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Steve _

_ - _

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I didn't realize you and Robin were serious like that, I'm happy for you. There's no big rush to move out, you know? You're only 19. I don't know what the situation is like with your parents, but nobody reasonable would expect you to have everything figured out at this point. There's no set time when you just suddenly become completely independent, and you shouldn't feel like you're doing anything wrong by staying at home a little longer while you work and figure stuff out. Why pay rent if you don't have to?
> 
> El makes me play her mixtape in the car whenever she rides shotgun. She's really happy that Max hasn't forgotten about her. She definitely hasn't forgotten about Max. If Max gets a bunch of leaves and rocks in the mail, they're gonna have a letter telling her to compare them to the ones in Hawkins as a scientific study, but really El just wants Max to have something from her and she can't think of anything else to send. Does Mike still talk about her? El hasn't mentioned him as much lately. She can be pretty quiet in general, though, so who knows. I just wish things could be easier.
> 
> I'm applying to NYU. Just to satisfy my own curiosity, I guess, or for fun. Putting together the portfolio is really hard, but it's a decent way to pass the time when it's dead at work or I can't sleep at night. I'm applying to some of the same places as Nancy (Notre Dame, Purdue, all of those ones I won't get into) and a couple of places close to here that I think Mom would like. Mostly, though, I've been looking at the community college and tech options. I definitely don't want to get myself into anything beyond that. I'm good enough with a camera by now that if I'm lucky, I could start small and work my way up at a newspaper or photo studio or something and make a living. 
> 
> I honestly can't really tell you much about Rosemary's Baby without spoiling the whole thing. A lot of the tension lies in Rosemary trying to figure out exactly what is happening, if people are trying to hurt her baby or if she's paranoid, stuff like that… 
> 
> But I will tell you that you don't have to worry about the specific thing you're worried about. If it's too much, you can always turn it off and watch something else, right?
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _


	6. i know

> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> First of all I need to be really clear here: Me and Robin aren't dating, we have never dated, we will never date. We're just really good friends. Please never tell her that you thought we were dating.
> 
> Anyways fuck you Rosemary's Baby is gonna haunt me until the day I die and it is all your fault. 
> 
> But I decided I wasn't going to write about that because I need to write about something important instead which is college. I know you want to go. You don't need to keep coming up with excuses.
> 
> I know you aren't lying and they are all real reasons. You don't want to leave Will and you don't want to spend the money or take out loans or whatever. But I think you know that you want to go and if you really didn't want to then you wouldn't be telling me about it so much and you wouldn't spend the application fee for NYU and you wouldn't be up at night making a portfolio. Did you know Robin is applying there too? She says a lot of the same stuff, about how she isn't going to get in anyways and she's just doing it out of curiosity but I know she wants it really bad.
> 
> You guys aren't like me you know? Colleges are going to want you. And if you want something you can do it and you have people that want you to do good and that want to help you. You can want things, Jonathan. And if you really don't get in then we're in the same boat and you won't be alone.
> 
> That's it really. I can't really think of anything else to say. Just that these letters are just us and I don't show them to anyone and I don't tell anyone not even Nancy if she asked so you can say whatever.
> 
> Actually I do have something else to say. Something I wouldn't say outside here so you know I mean it. I don't really want to live on my own yet. I don't want to pay bills and be in charge of everything and do whatever I want whenever I want. I just can't stand being around my dad now and sometimes when I look at the pool I think about Barb and it makes me sick. It's worse though when I look at the pool and I don't think about her until I do and then I feel so guilty I think I might die. So I think if I don't move out soon I'll go crazy.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

-

>   
>  _Dear Steve,_
> 
> I've never wanted anything so much. It's awful.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_  
> 

-

>   
>  _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> I know. I hope you get in.
> 
> For what it's worth I have a good feeling about it.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ur author has a concussion (kinned steve too hard) this is being posted by her personal assistant. its also why this chapter doesnt have a name pls ignore that


	7. just different somehow

> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> I watched Rebecca again last night. I don’t really know why. But I hate that the main girl doesn’t have a name and I think she should have one so I made a list of names that seem good for her:
> 
>   1. Joanie
>   2. Lucy
>   3. Genevieve
>   4. Mary
> 

> 
> They are all kind of girly because she just has that sort of classic feel to her you know she’s innocent and stuff. But I also think maybe she could be the kind of girl who has a boy nickname like Joe from Little Women she seems kind of strong and different that way. Not that having a girly name means you aren’t strong but its just like I think when girls have non girly nicknames its like on purpose and they are saying on purpose that they are not just girly. 
> 
> OK that doesn’t make any sense. Its like how Max hates if you call her Maxine because Maxine doesn’t feel like her so she picked Max instead. Or like I call Robin Rob a lot but that’s different because I just did that myself and she hasn’t told me to stop so I still do it. But Nancy is Nancy or Nance because that feels like her and its strong like that because it already feels like her.
> 
> Does anybody ever call you Johnny? John? If they did would you spell it weird like Johnnie or Jon? Mrs. White always called me Steven in class and she even spelled it wrong like Stephen all the time which was annoying. I told her every time and she kept doing it like she thought she was right even though its my name. So if you ever go by something that isn’t Jonathan I want to get it right you know even though I’m pretty sure you always just use Jonathan. One time I thought El was just the letter L and Dustin tore my head off for it. 
> 
> Anyways if you have any ideas on what the girl in Rebecca should be named let me know, this is very important and if you have homework or whatever I expect you to put this first because she deserves to have a name and you don’t want to be the asshole keeping her nameless. 
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

-

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> Nobody ever really calls me anything but Jonathan. I guess I wouldn’t be angry if you called me John or something, it would just be kind of weird.
> 
> Believe it or not, I think I understand what you mean about the masculine nicknames for traditionally feminine names. It’s intentional. I think a lot of people name their kids something that sounds cute or some shit and they don’t think about what kind of person that kid might grow into. Using a nickname with a different kind of energy to it than your given name is how those kids can reclaim their identity, in a sense. El is really particular these days about being called El for a reason. It's something she chose. 
> 
> So I don't know if we need to pick a name for her. Would it really be giving her any sense of identity, or would it just be us trying to make ourselves feel better? She’s confined by her circumstances and her own choices regardless. Putting a name to something doesn’t necessarily confer any more identity or belonging than allowing it to continue on nameless. 
> 
> If anything, I think there might be another kind of power in something being nameless. Existing in a way that forces an onlooker to consider it fully instead of condensing itself into something easily digested. Kind of in the way that art can sometimes hit you harder when you don’t know exactly what about it is affecting you in the first place, or how it’s always the most important relationships and emotions in your life that you don’t know how to define.
> 
> Drew convinced me to watch Nightmare on Elm Street 2 with him. I know I said it was a bad movie, but I’d only actually seen parts of it and never the full thing. It’s definitely not a good movie, but it is… interesting. I can sort of get why he keeps watching it. It’s just different somehow. 
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_

-

> _Dear John,_
> 
> I honestly just really wanted to write “Dear John” at some point in my life for fun and it was pretty satisfying I’ll be honest. Don’t worry I haven’t found another man while you were away at war or whatever. It did feel kind of weird though so just in case it felt weird to you too here:
> 
> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> There now it’s normal. Not that you’re ever normal but are you doing good that last letter was kind of intense. Not in a bad way and it was actually really smart and I think your right it just also sounded kind of like you were high or just having a hell of a day so I figured I should ask.
> 
> The brats had the day off school yesterday which for some reason meant they had to come and bother me the entire time. Mike doesn't understand that I can't just bust into the arcade machines to give him his tokens back or whatever I told him that I don't work for them I work for Family Video and it's two separate businessess but he thinks I'm lying because I don't want to help him. Which is right I don't want to help him because he's a shithead but also like in what universe would I know how to fuck around with arcade machines? They all spent like three hours trying to break a damn machine before Keith ran them out and then instead of going home they decided to just stay in Family Video until Keith left and they could go back into the arcade but Keith like never fucking leaves which I told them but apparrently I can't be trusted because they hung around until closing anyways. They all went in the back room and rewound and stacked tapes for me because I guess when you don't have to do it to make money it’s kind of fun which I don't get but whatever they did it and I only noticed one tape missing when they left, which was Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and I doubt any of them would steal fucking Mr. Smith Goes to Washington of all things. 
> 
> It was nice though. Sometimes one of them would come out and just chill at the counter for awhile. Lucas and Dustin miss Will and El so much but I think they don't let themselves say it because they feel like Mike has dibs on missing people or something. Max says she misses El all the time I think it is really hard for her to be the only girl again. When Robin is around it makes it better but I think it will be good when she is on the softball team and meets other girls there. 
> 
> Sometimes I really want to kill her stepdad. I know he lost his son which is awful but he treats her like shit and I'm pretty sure he's abusing Max's mom and I feel like a piece of shit because I know it’s bad but I don't do anything because I'm scared. Not for me really but for Max because I just feel like no matter what I did it would probably just make things worse. Like if I couldn't beat Billy I probably couldn't beat his dad but even then what like Max and her mom are traumatized and I'm in prison forever that doesn't make things better. Also I don't think I could actually kill someone but that's a different thing.
> 
> It just sucks. And if Hopper was here I would tell him and maybe he could do something about it but now everyone in the police department just sucks and doesn't want to do their job all they do is hassle people for no reason and write tickets even though Max is suffering. There is real actual evil in the world and nobody cares! Nobody fucking cares! Back when this all started Nancy got mad at me for wanting to act normal and I still think it's good to try but I understand now why she felt that way. I guess I just think that you can know things are bad and still try. Which is what I do these days I just pretend everything is okay and most of the time it is so it works pretty well all things considered.
> 
> Robin still wants me to have a hobby so now I guess Dustin's mom has been teaching me how to knit. My first scarf is a piece of shit and it's ugly which is why I sent it to you. Happy birthday or merry Christmas or whatever. Dustin wants a really specific stripey scarf so I'm gonna try that next it is kind of cool to just make something out of basically nothing. I might make Lucas like a headband that is knitted and looks kind of like his bandana because he is stupid and doesn't want to wear a winter hat because now I guess he thinks they don't flatter his bone structure? High school has turned him into a demon.
> 
> So anyways when I'm the only person in Family Video all day I have a lot of time to knit things so if Will or El wants anything like I could try doing that and you could have shitty scarves for them in time for Christmas.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

-

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> For what it's worth, I think you're doing a lot for Max. Maybe more than anybody else has ever done for her. We both know that Billy never would have helped her practice softball, let her hang around his place of work, or showed her how to make her friend a mixtape. You're nice to her. You respect her. Sometimes all we can do is just… be there for someone whenever the opportunity arises. It sounds like you're already doing a good job of that.
> 
> Mom got a kick out of the scarf. She even made me take a picture for you, which I hope you like. It really doesn't look that long until she's wearing it, and then suddenly I swear she looks a foot shorter and it looks a foot longer. She says that she knows it's mine and she's just borrowing it, but I don't think she's going to give it back anytime soon. 
> 
> Will refuses to wear scarves but he'll let Mom put a hat on him. Most of his winter stuff is either red or kind of neutral, so if you wanted to do something more fun and colorful that might be nice. El has really been liking dark green lately, but we all know that could change by tomorrow, so if you want to make her something just go with your gut. Or just make two and give the other to Mike or Max, and then she'll wear it every day regardless.
> 
> On principle, I have to say it: Normal is overrated… but I see what you mean. I get it. If you spend too much time dwelling on all of the stuff we've seen, you'll drive yourself crazy. Normal helps. 
> 
> Speaking of trying to be normal, I have kind of a weird problem. People want to hang out with me sometimes. I'm not popular by any means, but this one group that I eat lunch with just invited me to a party with them and I can't decide if I should go or not. Nancy obviously thinks that I should, and I feel like you're going to agree with her, but the party is tomorrow and you won't get this letter by then, so I don't have to actually listen to your opinion. Only tell me if your opinion is that I shouldn't go. 
> 
> Alright, so in the five minutes since I put my pencil down to help Mom with groceries, I managed to mention the party to her, and now I have to go. I said I'd rather hang out with her here at home and the pity in her eyes spoke volumes. I was being honest, but now if I do stay home, I know she'll look at me like that the entire time, which means that now I have to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to wear, and do, and say. Should I bring something? The host’s house is close enough that I can walk, so I guess I could try drinking, even though I don’t really feel the need. Is it rude to turn down drugs if somebody offers? I really don’t want to come off like an asshole. Better to save the assholery for once we’ve known each other longer. That Halloween party was the only one I ever went to, and I was only there for about five minutes, so I don’t have much to work off of.
> 
> It'll be fine. I'll just be normal.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i am back!
> 
> i'm mostly not concussed anymore and i really hope you all like this chapter! special thanks to sarah for posting for me last week when i was like dying, she's a hero and a trooper and such an angel <3 
> 
> please let me know what you think in the comments or on tumblr @lesbianrobin, and i'll see you all soon!!
> 
> EDIT 6/19/20: the film steve mentions as being missing has been changed from "twelve angry men" to "mr. smith goes to washington"


	8. negative

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> So apparently I was being fucking ridiculous. By "party," they meant "basically just all of the people at this lunch table plus one guy's brother all hanging out in a basement just talking around a bowl of chips." I am actually still in said basement. Everyone else is either playing poker or doing homework for a class I'm not in, so I just stole some paper and now I'm writing this so that I'm not just sitting here. I don't know how to play poker and I don't really want to ask. I don’t think it’s my kind of game, but I am enjoying watching other people lose money and snacks and whatever shit they had in their pockets.
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to reiterate that you're doing a lot for Max. You know it isn't just Dustin, right? All of those kids love you to death. Even Mike. They could have gone anywhere and done anything, but they chose to hang around with you at work all day for a reason. 
> 
> People keep talking to me and I keep accidentally saying what I mean to write and vice-versa, so I’m gonna stop for now. I know it’s dumb to send this extremely short letter literally a day after the last one, but I feel obligated to let you know that I was being dramatic over nothing, so you can get a good laugh in at my expense.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> I got both letters in the mail the same day and read them in the wrong order which was interesting. Your mom straightup looks like four feet tall at best in that scarf it’s hilarious. 
> 
> Are you guys planning on coming out to visit over Christmas break? The kids keep talking about it but whenever I ask about specifics they just start talking over each other about completely different plans so I don’t know if it’s actually happening or if they just want it to really bad. I’m just asking because I don’t know if I should plan time for shipping Will and El’s Christmas stuff to you or not. For Will I am doing a scarf in purple and grey or silver (obviously silver is best but a lot of the more silvery yarn is scratchy which is lame) because I know that’s what his D&D costume looks like and no way am I gonna let him pretend he’s cool now just because he moved somewhere. 
> 
> Me and Robin went to the craft place and we just went crazy picking out all the weird yarns with like textures and glitter and stuff in them and there are a lot of different colors so we thought maybe El would like something really messy with a big variety? Like big fat stripes of fun yarns. I think it’ll be heynus but Robin says it will be awesome and I kind of want to see what it would look like. If I have time I’ll make her something normal too but I figure you can buy a normal scarf at the store or whatever, so if I can make it whatever I might as well make it weird.
> 
> Knitting is so hard and it drives me crazy but I keep doing it for some reason. I want to be able to make a whole sweater or a blanket or something and then maybe I’ll stop but until then I want to be better than the stupid needles you know?
> 
> Since I’m an extremely nice guy I’m not gonna say anything about your party. Except that it would have been really funny if you showed up with like a bag of ditch weed and some speed because you thought that was what you were supposed to do and all of your friends were sitting there with homework like woah this Jonathan guy is crazy!!! But like I said, I am a very nice guy and I would never laugh at you. 
> 
> Til next time, 
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Steve, _
> 
> You overestimate me. I wouldn’t know how or where to buy drugs even if I wanted to. Do you just approach the first dude you see wearing a hoodie and hope for the best? How do you know you’re getting fair market value? I feel like shopping around and getting price quotes would be a faux pas. I don’t even know what ditch weed is. Is that like a brand? 
> 
> We’ll be in town from the 22nd to the 28th. I’m really busy with school, so I can’t spend too long writing this, end of the semester and all. I don’t really have too much to say right now, anyway. 
> 
> A couple of the theater kids have taken a liking to El, they’re trying to get her to try out for a play. I guess they think she’d be really good for some specific part? She doesn’t know if she wants to do it or not, but I think it might actually help a lot. She’s already good at memorizing things, but she’d have to read her script a lot and practice reading out loud, and I’m sure she’d learn tons of new words and maybe make a few friends. Maybe tell Max to encourage her? Don’t ask Mike, you know El doesn’t like when boys tell her what to do. She just needs a little push. Mom won’t tell her to go for it, she keeps saying El should just do it if she wants to, but El doesn’t always know what she wants. 
> 
> I guess I’m being unfair to El, phrasing it like it’s just her. None of us ever really know what we want. Or when we do, sometimes we’re so afraid of failure or rejection or whatever that we tell ourselves we don’t want it after all. Sometimes I wish I knew how to be more of an artist when I photograph things. Every time I think of something more expressive, I just think of how nobody else would really get what I was going for, or how I wouldn’t be able to make anything look cohesive, or how any real photographer would laugh at it. Does everybody secretly wish they were an artist? Is that just me? 
> 
> If someone asked about my career goals, I would say some shit about investigative journalism or serious portraiture, and I wouldn’t really be lying, but I wouldn’t be telling the truth, either. I guess I don’t really know what the truth would look like, but I know what journalism looks like, and I know what shooting portraits looks like, so it’s just easier to describe what I know than what I don’t. Whenever I think about the truth, it’s like the image falls apart. If I wanted to be poetic about it, I’d say it’s like a negative I can’t develop, but I’m not a poet and that sounds insanely pretentious, so I’m saying it’s like the image falls apart. I don’t know what that means for me. 
> 
> Like, is there any truth even out there? Do I have any future where I’m honest, where I know what I want even if I don’t have it? Can any of us ever really get what we want? I don’t know if I’m really looking for answers here. Maybe I’m just looking for more questions. I don’t know what you want, really. If you even know it yourself. 
> 
> After living with the goal of surviving for so long, I guess I just don’t really know how to live with the goal of living. Do you understand? I feel like you will. 
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

_ - _

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> I understand. 
> 
> Shit man I thought I was going to die this summer. I was trying not to obviously I did whatever I could to keep the others safe and part of that was staying alive myself, but the point is that part of me never thought I was even gonna make it this far. Like I was fucking depressed about not getting into college and being stuck in Hawkins but I also figured it may not make any difference since I’d die anyways. But now it’s suddenly like oh shit I might be around for like sixty more years and what the hell am I gonna do for all that time? 
> 
> Honestly I never really thought about what I wanted until you asked me. I just thought about what I could do. Like what would be easy or what would make my dad happy or how I could stick with Robin or Dustin wherever they went. But I can’t just spend my whole life trying to make my dad happy because he’s probably hopefully gonna die before me and then it’s like well I just wasted my whole life for some dead asshole, and Robin and Dustin both deserve better than having to deal with me hanging around while they go off and be successful and shit. So what do I have left you know? 
> 
> And the artist thing isn’t just you. You know my mom put me in piano lessons as a kid and I only did them for a few years but I still have a keyboard in the spare room and this old guitar that used to be my grandpa’s and like sometimes I fuck around with those and I make stuff up but it’s never anything close to an actual song. But I still sometimes wonder what it would be like to be like in a band or something and be able to do something fun that people would like but that’s not something that could actually happen so I think maybe everybody just has some dream of being an artist. 
> 
> But it’s insane that you think yours is just a dream when you’re already a photographer. Like you’re actually good at least nothing I’ve ever seen from you is bad. I feel like you probably have some artsy-er stuff that you never showed anyone. You already said that you have it in your head and you just stop yourself from actually doing it. I think that you want to stop stopping yourself. I don’t know what you want besides that but I know that you can do that one part.
> 
> There’s so much shit that we actually can’t do that it’s dumb to not do things just because you’re scared. Like things that’ll get somebody killed or make you lose everyone you love or make you into somebody else. So why not just take some artsy pictures and see if they suck instead of thinking about it forever.
> 
> So anyways I guess I don’t know what I want either. I just don’t want to feel the way I do now until I die. Shit okay that’s so vague. It’s just hard to describe the way I feel. Like I’m trapped but it’s my own fault. I’m just afraid of being left alone in Hawkins and I’m scared that this is the best things will ever be for me and I’m fucking terrified that I have no future but more than that I just don’t want this to be what life is like. 
> 
> I told Max. She said theater is lame but I know she’s gonna tell El to go for it. 
> 
> Til Christmas,
> 
> _ Steve _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty so i know i JUST updated but here is the thing: this chapter is the first thing i've written since i got my concussion, and i'm so jazzed about it that i just couldn't wait! don't worry, i have the rest of the fic plotted out and i should hopefully be able to keep updating about once a week from here out, but for now i really hope you all enjoy <3


	9. for what it's worth

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I’m sorry. I was such an asshole.
> 
> I heard about what happened on New Year’s. Please tell me you’re okay. I know I kind of fucked it up, but I want you to feel like you can still talk to me.
> 
> For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.
> 
> Til next time?
> 
> _ Jonathan _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	10. okay

> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> I’m okay mostly. Sorry to hear about the breakup. 
> 
> You were being kind of an asshole but I guess now we’re even. Or not who knows I haven’t really been counting. Anyways I’m not the one you should be worried about.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

_-_

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> Maybe I shouldn’t be worried about you, but I am. Max has all of her friends looking out for her. She has you, and the Party, and finally her mom. All of my information is basically distilled gossip by the time it reaches me, but I still know that it isn’t looking good for him. Your dad’s fancy lawyers are going to get him for the assault. Mom heard from Karen that Max’s mom is gonna file for divorce on top of everything. I know that the whole court process isn’t gonna be easy on her, but Max isn’t alone, and I know that things are going to get better for her.
> 
> You did that. I don’t love that you made yourself a punching bag to make it happen, but… shit, I don’t know what. I know you gave worse than you got, so I shouldn’t be worried, but I am, Steve. I’m so worried for you, and I hate that I didn’t talk to you over Christmas. I hate that I didn’t stick around, and I hate that I didn’t go to breakfast with everyone just because you were going to be there. 
> 
> I was doing what you said not to. Holding myself back again. I just didn’t know what to say. I guess I thought it would be safer to say nothing at all. 
> 
> I took some pictures at the party. Hope you like them.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_

_-_

> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> I think I get why you were avoiding me. It’s OK I guess talking in person is different and I don’t want you to feel so bad about it. 
> 
> I don’t feel any better. I thought I would feel better. But it’s all just bullshit like Max is still hurting and she’s always going to be and even though he’s not going to be around to make her miserable anymore that doesn’t matter because he did it in the first place you know? God I just hate it. I just want to feel OK again.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

_-_

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> Do you still mess around with your keyboard and your grandpa’s guitar? Maybe I’m not the only one who wrote off being an artist too easily. You know, you don’t have to be the next Hendrix to write something that’s meaningful to you. You don’t have to show people. I think it’s nice sometimes to have something and just keep it to yourself. Who knows what’ll come of it?
> 
> I feel like I should tell you I’m wearing your gloves. I don’t even know how you managed to make the stitches so small, but they’re really nice. Mom is jealous but I’m not letting her steal them.
> 
> Sometimes I think that we’ll just never get to be okay again. I don’t think I really remember what okay feels like, though, so I don’t think I’d recognize it if it happened. I never felt okay before. I think maybe it’s all relative.
> 
> El didn’t get that part everyone said she was perfect for, but she still has a small role and she’s really into it. Will is helping paint the sets and they’re finally getting along more often than not. I don’t think they feel okay, but they’re definitely getting there, even if they don’t realize it themselves. 
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_

-

> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> You know I never really thought you were so sappy until I got to know you. That’s not an insult I think it’s nice I guess I just mean that you can be kind of bitchy sometimes which is also not really an insult because personally I think that being a little bit of a bitch is like not that bad it’s like being honest unlike being an asshole which is just like being an asshole. So I thought you were honest in a harsh way but you actually just understand things. 
> 
> That didn’t make any sense my bad. My point is that you’re good at all this emotional stuff. Better than I’ve ever been. I swear it’s like you wrote some therapy shit on your last letter in invisible ink and my subconcsus read it and I felt better. Not okay but on the way there you know? I guess it’s just knowing I’m not the only one. I know how Robin feels but she still has this hope for the future because she’s smart and she’s gonna be great but that means she doesn’t always get it. 
> 
> I think you can be okay. I think you’re maybe kind of meant to be okay. Like you have so much going for you but also you went through a lot of shit and that’s how successfull people are. Successfull isn’t the word though I guess I just mean like okay people. Okay I guess I need to tell you that I got a concussion on New Years because I thought I was gonna be fine to write with you but I think I sound like a crazy person so if I sound insane that’s why. 
> 
> Anyways I’m really happy for El and it’s good that Will and her are getting along now. My stupid head hurts so I’m gonna stop writing but I hope you’re doing good too.
> 
> Til next time, 
> 
> _Steve_

_-_

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> I was doing good until I found out you have a concussion. What is this, your fifth? Please tell me you’ve been taking it easy. Don’t lie. 
> 
> You’re definitely more of a sappy bitch than I am. I’ll excuse your confusion on the grounds that your brain is bruised to shit, but you’re a romantic and a bitch and I’m not going to let you get away with pretending you aren’t. Nothing in this world is sappier than the way you talk about Robin, and you were being extremely bitchy in Starcourt when I asked a simple question. Extenuating circumstances that night aside, you were also popular in high school, which I don’t hold against you, but it is a top indicator of being a bitch. 
> 
> By the way, thinking about Starcourt now, I’m realizing just how insane it all was. Of course I knew it was insane at the time, but in retrospect all I can think about is how we all just had to accept each other’s insane stories and move on without any additional questioning, and I still don’t really know half of what happened. It’s just weird, being a part of something so big that you can’t understand it all. 
> 
> I never asked you why you came back to the mall. I guess we’ve actually never talked about any of it. This isn’t really the place, but we should talk about it sometime. El and Will may be the only two people to have ever begged their mom for a spring break trip to Hawkins, Indiana, so I should get the opportunity to be less of an asshole in a couple of months.
> 
> I’ve got a lot to say and nothing to say all at once, but since I’m pretty sure you aren’t meant to be reading too much with a concussion, I’m going to go with “nothing to say” and end it here.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_

-

> _Dear Johnny,_
> 
> That is what you get for calling me a bigger bitch than you. I'll tell Joyce on you don't test me. According to the demons she likes me you know which must be a testament to my charisma and pure soul since she has like every reason to hate me but the point is that I could probably get you grounded if I tried hard enough. 
> 
> I think if I never had to think about Starcourt again that would be ideal but I also know that it would be good probably like psychologicly if we did talk about it sometime. I guess you should know what happened even though it doesn't really matter now. I've been thinking about it a lot lately since the concussion and all. I couldn't get any hours at work for like a week after it happened because Keith thought I might have a seizure which is stupid because that only happened one time but anyways I had to just sit in my room alone for like days and all I could think about was how much my head hurt and obviously that reminded me of other things.
> 
> Okay now that I think about it I guess there isn't really much you don't know. Dustin heard a code on the radio, we cracked it, and kept going like idiots to solve the stupid fucking mystery and then we got ourselves trapped. I won a fight and then I lost one. The second one doesn't really count but I don't know what to call it that isn't "losing a fight." Getting the shit kicked out of me I guess. If someone is like spying on these honestly I think they already have all the information they need either it's the Russians and they know this shit already or it's the US and they don't give a shit we already told them everything so I can just say that they had guns and they tied me up and they thought I was a spy so they were trying to get answers and they didn't believe that I was just like some stupid kid slinging ice cream so they kept trying to get me to talk until it all went black and then I woke up and I was with Robin again and I guess since hitting me didn't work they decided to drug us for answers and I told them Dustin's name. That's about it I don't totally remember it all but then you know we were hiding and they were about to kill us until you guys got there.
> 
> Sometimes I think about how I said his name and I can't even breathe. I was drugged obviously so like it wasn't my fault but Robin knew better and she was drugged too so isn't it kind of?
> 
> I came back to the mall because we had the radio and I heard that you guys needed help. That's it really and I'm glad I did because it didn't look like Nancy was gonna move and the car wasn't fucking moving so the whiplash was worth it. And I know you wanted to talk in person but after this concussion shit I can't wait that long. This one is like the worst I've ever had I had to take like a thousand fucking breaks just to write this and I'm so tired of it. They're making me go back for brain scans or tests or some shit later I wasn't really paying attention but they think I basically smashed my head for good. It isn't a big deal like I'm fine but it's just annoying you know?
> 
> We should all just wear helmets next time some insane shit happens in Hawkins.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

_-_

> _Dear Stevie,_
> 
> You kind of gave me a lot to unpack there.
> 
> I don't even know how to explain what happened with us while you guys were stuck. Everyone back in Hawkins probably has a better idea of it than I do. I'm just the chauffeur. 
> 
> You might not remember what you wrote, but you said that we should wear helmets next time. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but I kind of agree. I'm not so naive anymore as to think there won't be a next time. 
> 
> Don't think you got away with slipping the word "seizure" in there without explanation. I'm not asking for a medical report, but Jesus, dude. You do realize that the less you say, the worse it seems? 
> 
> I know you have my phone number. Keep writing if it helps, but don't put yourself through more pain than you have to.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Jonathan_

_-_

> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> I just reread your last letter I can't believe you wrote in weird short paragraphs on purpose to protect my smashed head. Loser.
> 
> Anyways it's like two in the morning and you're probably asleep and I'm not going to risk waking up your mom and having her think it's an emergency because the phone ringing at two am is always an emergency so I'm writing. I kind of missed the writing anyways I know it's only been like a week or something but turns out writing shit down can be kind of nice if it isn't for a grade or whatever.
> 
> So I think I figured out what you meant yesterday. Like about Nancy and stuff. I always kind of felt that way too you know? Like it was what I was supposed to do. She's not the kind of girl you're ever supposed to turn down or get over and she's the kind of girl who's always supposed to be right. But I guess she wasn't right for either of us or like we weren't right for her or probably both. Anyways my point is that I felt it too and it took me this long to figure it out so like you aren't dumb or crazy for not exactly knowing how you felt until after it was already over. 
> 
> That's it I guess. I really should go to sleep since I have work in the morning and to keep you and Robin from yelling at me because sleep is how your brain heals or whatever. I'm just going to put this in the mailbox immediately so I don't overthink it so if I sound dumb or insane it's two am and I'm brain damaged so you can't hold it against me.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _Steve_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was fun to be evil, but i felt bad about it and i can't be evil for very long so here is an update :)


	11. it doesn't work if he's not hot

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I’m taking a break from studying, but I’m pretty sure that if I take an actual break I’ll fall asleep, so here’s a letter for you. I should be coasting right now, but AP exams cost money, so coasting isn’t really an option. High school is absolutely terrible and I can’t wait for it to be over.
> 
> I know I must have watched a dozen movies and TV shows since Christmas, but I couldn't name a single one. It's been hard to focus, I guess. Can you even watch TV yet? I know the screens aren't good for concussions. That guy Drew from my history class keeps recommending shit to me and I always tell him I’ll check it out but I never think about it until it’s late at night and I obviously can’t go rent anything at two in the morning. 
> 
> God, I know this is going to make me sound like a loser, but I’m not used to hanging out with people. I thought that by now I’d be all settled in, but I still just feel like I don’t belong whenever I’m in a group. Being with just one or two people is better, but… kind of worse, too? I don’t feel like I’m on display, but it does feel inherently more intimate, like there’s more pressure to be… I don’t know what. To be normal? I don’t really try to be, at least not consciously. Pressure to be something, I guess. Pressure to be “on.” I’m always tired when I get home, like I’ve been performing the whole time, even though I don’t think I am.
> 
> I wish that whenever I sat down to write to you, the good things came to mind before the bad. Not that being tired sometimes because I have friends now is necessarily a bad thing, I just mean that my mind always goes to the negatives first. Honesty isn’t all about venting your shit, I know that, but it’s hard to really learn it. Drew from history is actually pretty cool. He’s definitely a weirdo, but he’s my kind of weirdo. Maybe your kind too. The people from the party I told you about have kept inviting me to things. One of them is named Karen, which is kind of weird sometimes and I have to remind myself that I’m allowed to curse in front of her. She’s really cool, though. Her boyfriend Jason is the one who invited me to have lunch with them the first time, and he has a younger sister who does theater with El. They’re all really nice and I think I’ve probably laughed more in the past month than I did in the whole rest of my life up until now. I just wish I didn’t have to turn them down so often to work or study.
> 
> I should get back to work. Don’t forget to let me know how Keith reacts to The Lord of the Rings, Dog Day Afternoon, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show being on your staff picks shelf.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> Writing this at work so I won’t forget by the time I call you later but that’s why this is on the back of Robin’s math homework. Keith literally picked up Lord of the Rings and put it in Robin’s section without saying anything to either of us, and he says I’m the moron. Who’s the moron now buddy Robin has like a thousand nerd gripes with that movie and she thinks it’s ugly! I mean she’s right but I still like it because the hobbits are really cute and I watched it with Dustin. Aragorn needs to be hot though like I know nothing in that movie was hot because they’re all ugly cartoons but he’s the king and he has an elf girlfriend who’s willing to give up being immortal for him so he has to be hot dude it doesn’t work if he’s not hot. They need to make a new one where he’s hot.
> 
> Anyways Keith is gonna bitch at me if he catches me writing so I have to stop. He also said that saying I like Rocky Horror isn’t going to make Melissa Nelson go out with me. If you don’t remember Melissa Nelson is the girl with the nose piercing who got caught smoking in the bathroom a couple years ago and it’s honestly funny that he said that when he acts like a total creep whenever she comes in and I actually treat her like a fucking person but whatever.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> Tell Robin congrats on her mastery of physics. Aragorn was probably the least ugly guy in that movie, I have no idea what you’re talking about. The man was in excellent shape.
> 
> I remember Melissa. She was always nice to me, but she kind of freaked me out. I know that’s a stupid thing to say when I barely knew her. She just seemed really intense. One time she invited me to a party that she “thought I would like” and the “party” was literally at midnight under the overpass, so I just said thanks and avoided her for a week. Do people have parties under overpasses? It’s occurring to me now that I might have been rude to her over something normal. Pass on my apologies if that was a normal thing that I just didn’t understand. 
> 
> It’s a stupid risk, but I’m writing this at work. There are always a few safe chunks of time every afternoon when nobody’s really coming in, and the managers never check up on me because I’m quiet so they trust me. It’s weird to think about how I was working on my college applications here not too long ago, and how I may not even be in town for another year. It feels like it’s been so much longer than just four months. How stupid is it that I’m thinking about moving away already?
> 
> The worst part of this job is absolutely not being able to listen to music. The shit they play in the lobby does not count. If I could just have more than thirty minutes between school letting out and my shift starting, it would be fine, but I’m going to lose my mind soon enough. 
> 
> A crowd is about to come in for the 8 o’clock, so I guess that’s all for now. I probably could have just saved all of this for the phone, but like you said, it’s nice to write, and I may not have time to call when I get home. 
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> Thinking about moving isn’t stupid. Overpass parties are a thing but they’re definitely not your scene. Most things aren’t your scene though so it isn’t Melissa’s fault that she didn’t know that I guess.
> 
> Max has been doing better. Court shit is still dragging on but just not having to live with that asshole is making her happier and I’m starting to feel like maybe I actually did something. I think she’s going to dump Lucas soon though for real which is going to fucking suck. If you don’t know she dumps Lucas all the time and then they get back together in like three days and it’s kind of dumb but kind of cute you know they’re 14. But I think like they care about each other for real and Max is realizing that if you dump a guy constantly maybe you don’t really want to be dating him. It’s going to really suck because I know Lucas will be devestated and she’s going to feel like she doesn’t belong in the group anymore even though she does. Robin is worried that Mike and Dustin will be assholes to her about it when it happens but I don’t think they will be I think they’re all past that.
> 
> I can’t really say why I know she’s going to break up with him but I know it’s going to happen. I just can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do like I don’t really know how to handle that shit. Got anything for me?
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I wish I had advice for you. Do you really need to handle it, though?
> 
> I know you always want to fix things, but like you said, they’re fourteen. They’re going to go through fourteen year old things. There’s no use in worrying about how they might cope with it before it’s even happened. Wait and see what happens, then you’ll know what to do.
> 
> I promise they’ll be okay.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _


	12. love somebody

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I feel like I might write all of your letters at two a.m. now. It’s always easier to write the hard stuff than to say it, and that’s always when the hard stuff comes up. Okay, hard stuff comes up all the time, but two a.m. is when you can’t escape it. Anyway, I have something that’s too hard to say.
> 
> Sometimes I kind of hate my mom.
> 
> I feel sick writing it because I know it isn’t true, I love her so much, but I don’t… Shit, I don’t know. Will’s her first priority, and that’s fine. I get it. Now we have El and she’s important, too. I don’t need anybody holding my hand. Sometimes I just feel like I lost my mom in the divorce, too. After that she just didn’t have the time for two kids, and I was older, and she had to focus on Will because he needed her more. It’s fine. I get it.
> 
> You know, it was my fault that Will disappeared in the first place. She told me that the morning we realized. She apologized and took it back that night but I still remember. I wasn’t supposed to leave Will alone, but I took a shift at work that night, and we didn’t realize he was gone until the morning, and it was all my fault.
> 
> Mom left me home alone all the time when I was his age.
> 
> She always said that he was special, and sensitive, and she was worried that he got bullied and she was worried about him having nice clothes for school and she was worried about him all the fucking time and I love him, Steve, you know I’d die for Will in a second, you know I’d give up my entire life and do whatever it took so he could be happy, but she never fucking asked me if I wanted to. I just had to. I had to, and I never did enough, and you know I always looked like a creep and I got made fun of, and that didn’t matter, it wasn’t important, but I’m fucking sensitive, too, Steve, and it didn’t fucking matter to her until Will was gone and she had to pay attention to me for once for something besides just yelling at me about everything I was doing wrong. 
> 
> I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Let’s agree not to talk about the fucking tearstains on this paper. I know I’m the older one. I just don’t understand why it took her so long to remember that I’m her son, too. I think she still forgets sometimes. I feel like I did back then, like I can never do anything right. I’m playing Dad again, except now El is here too, and she and Will can’t stand anybody telling them what to do, and Mom gets upset with me if I upset them, so half the time I end up doing everything around the house while they screw around with their friends or watch TV, and they need to devote all of their time to school but I have to do my homework in the break room at work, and I don’t understand why the fuck two fourteen-year-olds can’t just do the fucking dishes and take out the fucking trash when you ask them to.
> 
> That’s it. It isn’t, but it has to be. I know that there’s so much more, but I don’t know how to say it. I love them so much, Steve. You know I love them. I’m just so tired. I just wish I could breathe, you know? I just wish I had a second to breathe.
> 
> Thanks for reading all of that shit. You don’t need to say anything.
> 
> _ Jonathan _

_ - _

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> Remember our first phone call when you told me it was ridiculous for me to feel like it was my fault for spilling Dustin’s name when I was drugged? Will is alive to annoy the shit out of you by not doing his chores, so what does it matter now? I know you know you couldn’t have done shit. 
> 
> I know you said I didn’t have to say anything back but I want to. I always talk about my dad but I never say shit about my mom because it’s just hard I don’t really know how to say what I want to say. I know she loves me and sometimes she still cooks for me and shit like I’m a little kid and I really don’t have any right to complain but still.
> 
> You can love somebody and not love the way they hurt you. Like growing up my mom always vented to me about all the shit my dad was doing or like even when she didn’t tell me directly she never tried to hide any of it and so even though she didn’t say it I felt like I had to be like perfect and be grown up and shit because of it. You know like she was going through enough with his bullshit so if I had a problem with something I would never tell her and like the one thing she always liked about me was that I was good and I tried so hard to be that perfect kid and it turned me into an asshole. It’s not the same thing I know but it’s like… parents aren’t all knowing and all seeing the way they tell you when you’re a kid so like you grow up and they don’t see everything that’s wrong and you have to figure out like wether or not you can forgive them for it.
> 
> But that’s like not the point the point is that just because she’s trying doesn’t mean you can’t be upset about things. You can love somebody and be mad at them or even kind of hate them at the same time. I know how much you love your family. You’re like the most loving dude ever. It’s okay to be angry too, like with all of the loving because when you love somebody you care about how they treat you and what they think of you and you want things to be good, so obviously when they aren’t you have a right to be kind of angry or sad.
> 
> Anyways as you know I have some pull with the little shits and I can probably guilt Will into pulling his weight over the phone without tipping him off that you said anything, if you want me to try that. But Will loves you just as much as you love him and if you were just honest with him and told him that you’re stressed out and tired and you need him and El to help out some more I’m sure he’d do it. Your mom loves you so much too and I know you don’t want to make her feel bad but I also know that the longer you go without talking to her about it the worse you’re both going to feel when eventually everything boils over. She isn’t like my mom you know you can talk to Joyce and she made an effort in the past so if you remind her I’m sure she’ll make an effort again.
> 
> It’s gonna be okay. You know you can always write whatever and send it to me and I don’t mind.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Steve _

_ - _

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I talked to Mom. I cried first, of course. Just a little. How do you always know what to say? I swear you understand what’s going on inside my head better than I ever will.
> 
> Mom’s gonna make sure Will and El pull their weight. We talked for a long time. It’s been a while since we really had a conversation that wasn’t purely logistical, about groceries or bills or something, and it was so nice to just sit with my mom and be honest.
> 
> Thank you. I really can’t overstate how important you and your letters are to me.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _


	13. johnny

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> I fucking hate concussions.
> 
> The first one I ever got in middle school wasn’t that bad. I was fine within a week or two and it was nothing. Now it’s been a month and I still feel like shit some days and need to take a bunch of ibuprofen to make it through work before I can come home and just fucking lay in bed trying not to hyperventilate. I don’t think I’m ever going to be okay again I think this is just what I have to live like now and I know that it’s my own fault for playing basketball and provoking you and using myself as a meat shield against Billy and sneaking into the elevator and fighting Neil but it doesn’t feel fair. The time Tommy threw a rock at my head was not my fault and I stand by that. 
> 
> Anyways I just can’t fucking take it sometimes and nobody else understands it like Max and Mike and Lucas have gotten concussions but just once and theirs were like my first one they weren’t too bad and they didn’t get slowed down at all and I’m really glad that they’re okay you know I don’t want them to suffer but I just wish that somebody understood. Dustin reads books and shit and thinks that he knows everything about concussions and brain damage and I know he’s trying to help but he just makes it worse sometimes because I don’t want to hear about how it could be worse because I know this probably won’t be the last time I get my ass kicked and I don’t want to think about how when I’m 50 I’m probably not going to remember anything.
> 
> I just don’t want this to be who I am. I don’t want my life to hurt so fucking much all the time. I don’t want it to feel so hard to just do basic shit sometimes. I know that you don’t understand but I still feel like you might.
> 
> If I ever called you in the middle of the night would you answer?
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I save all of your letters, you know, in case you ever can’t remember what the hell you were doing in 1985 and 1986. 
> 
> If you don’t keep a journal, I think you should try it. It’s not the same as writing a letter, but you can talk about the things that nobody else would understand, or the things that aren’t important but feel important to you. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to me about this stuff, I just think that you might like it if you could look back, a month or a year from now, and know who you were in that exact moment. Poor amnesiac fifty-year-old Steve could take an old notebook down from the attic and remember everything. 
> 
> Regardless of all of that, it’s only February. It may take more time for you to get back to normal. I know it feels like it’s going to last forever, but it won’t. Even if this is your new normal, Steve, you’re going to be okay. Even if nobody else gets it, I’ll be here and you can talk about it as much as you need to. You’ll be okay. You always roll with the punches, and I know it isn’t as easy as you make it look sometimes, but that’s who you are, fuck head trauma. It’s going to be hard, and it’s going to hurt, but you aren’t alone, and you’re going to be okay even if it does hurt.
> 
> I can’t promise that I’ll get to the phone first whenever you call, but I can promise that if I’m awake or if the phone wakes me up, I’ll answer. If you start bitching about Keith past midnight I’m going to hang up on you and enjoy it, but I don’t mind listening when it’s important.
> 
> Just to be clear, if it feels important to you, it’s important.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> We’ve been getting so insanely heavy for like a long time now so I’m gonna not be heavy because honestly I feel good today.
> 
> I’m writing this like an hour after we just talked while I was on break because there’s been a big Max and Lucas development. They came in TOGETHER to rent a movie! Lucas is handling it all really well like so much better than I would have but I shouldn’t be surprised because he’s a badass. I’m really proud of Max too because like I told you, she told me and Robin about how she really loves Lucas like a friend and didn’t want to hurt him and risk losing him but she still did the right thing and it’s working out. 
> 
> Speaking of Robin senior year is hitting her hard. I’m reminding her to do her homework now it’s very backwards. She doesn’t really need the practice usually she’s stupid smart but like most of her teachers grade homework so she has to. All she cares about now is college. We talked about it and I think that I’m going to move with her wherever she goes. We thought that her parents wouldn’t agree to support her if she was going to move in with some guy but actually since she’s dead set on going to a big city her parents want me to go with her because they think that way she’s less likely to get like murdered and tossed in a dumpster. They’re pretty cool they actually let me sleep over sometimes.
> 
> For the first time I actually feel like there’s something good in the future you know like I could leave Hawkins and the world wouldn’t just crumble around me when I left town. I drove by the high school the other day and I almost started laughing because I remembered that I used to be stuck there all day every day and it didn’t seem real. You’re gonna have that moment too dude and it’s gonna be awesome literally it was like when the clouds move and you remember how bright the sun is. So things are good.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> Things are actually pretty good on my end, too. We might start to see some pigs flying soon.
> 
> Will and El have been keeping up with their chores. I took a couple pictures of them cleaning the living room and I’m sending you one so that you believe me when I say that they’re somehow the best pictures I’ve ever taken. I guess the simplest things can be special when you catch them in the right light.
> 
> I’m still kind of tired and stressed out, but it isn’t too bad because it’s like I can see the finish line. My applications are sent in and all I have to do is keep my grades decent and wait. I always feel like I’m waiting for something, these days. I never really felt that way before. Now, I’m kind of just making it through the days until spring break. That sounds bad, but it isn’t. I just mean that I’m ready to graduate and do something different, you know? Even if I can’t go to NYU. 
> 
> Mom put me in charge of dinner this week and I planned it all out ahead of time, but now I’m not in the mood for fettuccine. I’m really tempted to run to the grocery store right now and waste money that we don’t have. I don’t really know what I do want, though. Do you ever get that? When you know what you don’t want, but you can’t figure out what you do? It’s so weird. 
> 
> Honestly, I want Chinese, but we can’t start getting takeout or El will want it all the time, so I guess I was lying. Whatever. I’m just procrastinating right now because I don’t feel like cooking.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> I just realized that when you send me pictures you’re never in them. Obviously that makes sense because you’re taking them but I think you should try to take pictures of yourself sometimes because one day you’re going to be old and be like damn I wish I had pictures from when I was young and hot. That’s why me and Robin went and got those cheesy family pictures done at the portrait place and they did not like us at all they hated our guts but it was really fun and we look good so I think it was a good decision.
> 
> Anyways I don’t really have anything to talk about except the usual stuff my dad is being a dick and my mom is upset that I’m not home more but then whenever I’m home she’s busy so it’s like what the fuck and the dumbasses are all doing okay and Robin is planning out our budgets for like every place she applied to school so she’s ready the second her letters come in.
> 
> It’s honestly insane she’s like calculating everything and whether or not we would need another roommate and how much I would need to work if I got minimum wage and whether or not she would need to tutor or get a part-time job it’s crazy. I hope she gets one of the scholarships she applied for she’s like the smartest person I’ve ever known and she deserves it. Her parents can help a little but if we go to like New York it’s gonna be a lot you know? I think it’s going to work though. That applies to you too I honestly think they’re going to want you and I know your essays were good and they have to give you the scholarship they would be crazy not to. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you guys were both going to NYU and we could like all hang out and shit? 
> 
> Til next time _ , _
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> It would definitely be nice to know somebody if I ended up in the city. I’ve heard so much about Robin, but I never really got to know her before we left. I know I said we should make plans for spring break on the phone earlier and we kind of got off topic, but I really mean it. 
> 
> I feel like an idiot for missing out on getting to know you guys. Timing is everything, I know, and I know you’ll say that this is just how shit was supposed to shake out, but I still feel like I wasted so much time in Hawkins.
> 
> I have to go. El’s play is in a few hours and I want to get some pictures of her getting ready. I just know that I’m going to run out of film tonight. I’ll make sure I get enough good shots to send a bunch over for you and the party, don’t worry. She’s really nervous but I’ve never seen her so excited, either. Will’s excited for us to see all the sets he painted. There’s a lot going on but it’s good.
> 
> Til next time,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> We always do the hard stuff in letters. I know that but this still feels too hard to even write. I can't wait until spring break though you need to read this before you come back because you might not want to see me anymore and I need you to know before you get here.
> 
> So remember what I said to you when you kicked my ass? I know you do. I'm still sorry. I don't think I'm ever going to stop feeling sorry I'm just going to feel sorry about it until I die probably but that isn't the point.
> 
> I said I always thought you were queer and that isn't the worst thing I said but it is the thing that I remember the most because it was the only thing I said that I almost believed. And I didn't believe it for any real reason like not because of anything you ever said or did but because of me. Because I think I wanted to believe it. And I can't really explain why I wanted to believe it without explaining this other thing first so I'm gonna explain that too okay?
> 
> So my dad is an important asshole you know and my mom is always busy with her work stuff and church stuff and other stuff so when I was a kid they would have this family who lived down the street watch me a lot. They were the Davies I don't know if you ever knew any of them they moved away in fourth grade and Gene was two years older than you and Sam was like sixteen so I guess you would have no reason to know them. But there were two boys you know Gene and Sam, and Gene was kind of my age so our parents figured we would occupy each other but we always just followed Sam around. I always thought that Sam was the coolest guy in the world and I wanted to be like him when I grew up but I also really just wanted him to treat me like I was grown up and he did sometimes he would show me the cool stuff in his room and throw a football around with me sometimes and now I know that he was just being nice but at the time I thought that maybe
> 
> Shit I don't know what I thought. I just know that I thought he was like the sun. And so they moved away and I forgot about him but I never really forgot about him because then any time I thought about other things I would think about Sam and I started to realize what it meant and it scared me. 
> 
> So I always wished Sam was queer. Not because shit okay I don't know why I can't write it. I was a kid and he was way older. But I wanted him to be queer still because then I thought if a guy like Sam is queer then being queer is real and it happens and it isn't weird. I didn't even really know what queer was yet I just knew I had something wrong in me and I wanted to see it in somebody else. But you know my dad is an asshole and so was Tommy and so was everybody so was the world so I stopped wishing Sam was queer and I started wishing you were. I guess you were different and if you were queer then you were different than me and you were weird and I was normal. I don't know when it switched really I guess in like fifth or sixth grade but it switched. 
> 
> My dad just always knew somehow. He knew when I didn't and I guess that makes sense I didn't know to hide it yet I didn't realize what I was doing and what I was being but he did and Mom made me go to church on Wednesdays and all day Sunday and the weekend trips and I did Key Club and everything normal I tried so hard Jonathan. I tried so hard to be normal and that Steve was me but he wasn't. He was what I tried to be but he was bullshit. He was ugly and I hated him. And now I think that he was sad and lonely and angry and afraid to think about himself too hard and I can't hate him anymore I'm too tired of hating him I just feel sorry for him.
> 
> So I thought you were queer. It wasn't really about you when I said that. It was about me and I was angry with you for being with Nancy but more than that I was so fucking angry that you weren't fucked up like me and you were the normal one all along and I was the freak.
> 
> I did love Nancy. But today Robin said that you can love a lot of things even if they're different from each other and lately I've been feeling like being the freak is the only thing I ever didn't hate about myself. I hated it but it's me you know? It's why I'm not Tommy or my dad or Billy. I think I love it. Like how you can love a person and not love how they hurt you. Maybe if I didn’t have something wrong in me I would never have realized that I was an asshole. Maybe if I didn’t have something wrong in me, I would still be that Steve who was ugly and sad, but I would just be him forever. I’m not sad anymore. Honestly I’m not. I don’t think I’m really wrong either just weird but good weird. Like different weird. 
> 
> So I'm queer I guess. Bisexual like Bowie even though he took it back, which I guess I don't blame him because it took me like ten minutes to get the fucking guts to even write the word. I don't know why queer scares me less. But that's it. That's what this was all about and I get it if you don't really want to see me or whatever but I don't think you're gonna be like that. 
> 
> We're more solid than this shit now. More solid than your old wall and more solid than the tunnels and more solid than Starcourt. More solid than my mailbox that I fucking know Tommy knocked off because who the fuck else, I can't believe he's still doing that shit. I forgot to tell you that happened right after New Years and it doesn't matter I got it fixed in like five minutes but who does that, you know?
> 
> So yeah I'm writing this because I think I know you and I think it's gonna be okay. I'm queer. Bisexual. Maybe gay if Nancy is just insanely special but probably bisexual because I don't think that's how that works.
> 
> It didn't take as long to write it that last time.
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> Do you know that song, "Johnny, Are You Queer?" 
> 
> Nobody ever lets me forget about it. It's part of why I always go by my full name. It's not a bad song.
> 
> We should go to that drive-in, on the edge of Kerley. I never went before we moved but I always heard that it was nice. They play classics. I’ll get the tickets if you cover snacks.
> 
> Love,
> 
> _ Johnny _


	14. heroes

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> We’re taking my car. I know your death trap survived the move and all but I still don’t trust it.
> 
> You’re the only thing keeping me sane right now man. Robin has gone full crazy over college and I get it I’m so excited for her but if she asks me about if I want a small shitty place with just the two of us or a bigger nicer place with roommates again I’m going to lose it. It’s fun to plan but we can’t really plan until we know where we’re going, so she’s not planning as much as she’s just stressing.
> 
> It’s nice to have something good to look forward to for once though. I’m starting to believe her, you know? Like I’m starting to believe that she’s really going to take me with her no matter where she goes. I'm starting to believe that I won't chicken out when the time comes. At first I thought that I would just be running away if I went with her, but I think maybe it's the opposite. Like I'm not a coward for leaving Hawkins but I would be if I stayed just because I was scared of what life might be like somewhere else.
> 
> I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I know, ha ha, who knew I could do that. I don’t really know what about though? Just like everything. This is going to sound really stupid but it kind of just hit me that I got tortured. I guess I didn’t count it because it was just like getting hit and I’ve gotten hit before, but this was different and it just took me a while to really get that. I guess I didn't want to get it.
> 
> That sounds really intense but it honestly isn't. Like I don't dream about it half as much as I used to and me and Dustin talked and I don't really feel guilty the way I used to. I fucked up a lot but we all do when shit happens and Dustin pointed out that I stayed behind so he and Erica could get out which was like basic human decency on my part but it also kind of disproves that "I'm a terrible selfish evil asshole" theory that I've had stuck in my head ever since it happened. Like I think Robin is a hero for staying back with me but I always feel like it's different when it's me. 
> 
> Anyways I was thinking about all this hero stuff which made me think about you so I'm writing. I hope all of your cool new friends realize how lucky they are. Or I guess I don't hope that because that would mean they know about everything and nobody deserves that but I hope they aren't like everyone in Hawkins. I hope they know you I guess. Like the real you. Do you tell them stuff like you tell me?
> 
> I basically just woke up and started writing so I need to get ready for work. I'm gonna stick this in the box on my way out and probably say all of this same shit to you on the phone later but oh well. Half the time when I send you a letter it's just because I really want you to send me one back. So make this next one good.
> 
> Love,
> 
> _ Steve _

_ - _

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> You said to make this one good. I took your advice. I've learned that I absolutely hate taking pictures of myself in the mirror, so I'm sorry to say, but the pictures in this envelope are a one-time thing. I've destroyed the negatives, and if anybody else sees the ones I've sent you, I'll be forced to come to Hawkins and destroy them, too. Yes, Robin counts as somebody else.
> 
> Speaking of friends, I think my friends here know me. Not the way that you do, obviously. Even if I did tell them the things I tell you (which I don’t), I don’t think any of them could ever really know me like that. They know when to let me be quiet and when to make me be social, though. Some of us have a lot of the same taste in music. It’s nice. I haven’t really had friends like them before. I guess it’s nothing special, I’ve just been a loser my whole life, but it’s still nice. 
> 
> Your last letter made me think, too. I've been thinking about how you saved me. The first time. I thought we were ready, that we were mature enough and strong enough to handle it, and we weren't. Not even close, and you were just as terrified as I was. I know you were. But you stayed.
> 
> I know that everything was different then, and it didn't really change for a long time, but I still think of that as the beginning. Maybe the beginning should be earlier or later, but for some reason in my head, it always comes down to that night. It always comes down to the way everything looked in the flickering lights. There was so much going on and obviously at the time I was thinking about Will, but now… 
> 
> Now I think about a lot of things. I think about you. I think about the things that changed, and the things that stayed the same. I know that part of writing is that we can write the things that we can't bring ourselves to say, but I don't think I need to write down what changed. I don't know if I could put it into words, really, besides the plain fact that I trusted you that night before I even decided to. I didn't have the time. Maybe if it had been somebody else, it wouldn't have felt so earth-shattering, but it wasn't somebody else. It was you.
> 
> So you aren't the only one who's been thinking about heroes. I'm counting down the weeks until break. I know that you are, too.
> 
> Love,
> 
> _ Jonathan _


	15. figure

> _ Jonathan _
> 
> My dad found your letter. Don't send anything or try to call again. I'm OK just need to figure out what to do he and mom are distracted so I have to get this out now. Don't worry I'll figure something out its not your fault.
> 
> _ Love Steve _

-

> _ Robin, _
> 
> I assume you know more about what's going on with Steve than I do. Could you call me when you get this? I'm kind of freaking out. If you're wondering whether the number at the end is a seven or a one, it's a seven. Hopefully the rest is legible.
> 
> _ Jonathan _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are we having fun yet?


	16. the one that matters

> Robin if you read this you are betraying our friendship and I will never speak to you again OK! I'm serious.
> 
> _Dear Jonathan,_
> 
> I don't know if Robin is going to tell you all of this on the phone later or not but just in case she doesn't or she can't I'll just tell you everything again I guess. Please don't freak out it really isn't that bad. So basically my dad found your letter and he thinks we've been like having a big secret affair for months and he's gone off the deep end. I tried to tell him he was wrong and he was making it out to be like worse than it was but he wouldn't believe me. Then I fucked up and got upset and basically blew it and now he knows about me like I basically told him flat out but I was honest you know I still said that you were just my friend. He doesn't believe me because I can't really explain what happened and how we like almost died together. Don't worry though even if other people find out about me I'm not going to tell them about you I promise.
> 
> My dad hasn't tried to like hurt me or anything at least not seriously you know he's just gone insane and he won't let me out of the house. I convinced him that it's important to keep my job so I can still work on weekdays but I can't work weekends anymore or late nights which I why I can't call. I guess he knows that if I can only work when you're in school then we can't really talk. He canceled all of his trips and he's barely going into the office just so he can stay home with mom and make me miserable like a psychopath. He calls Family Video all the time to make sure I'm not lying about being there and I think if Keith picks it up one more time I really will lose my job. So far it doesn't look like he's going to kick me out though which is a miracle.
> 
> I miss you so much man like all I want is to talk to you but I can't and now I'll only be able to see Robin for like two hours just one or two days a week when our shifts overlap which is okay for some people but it's not enough you know? The little assholes have no idea that anything is wrong but soon they're going to ask Robin why I'm not working weekends anymore and I don't know what to tell them like I can't tell them I just can't. I don't even really know how I would explain it if I did tell them.
> 
> But anyways Robin is an angel and she's going to mail this to you and if you send her stuff she'll give it to me at work so we can keep talking this way. I know I said it before but seriously don't try to mail anything here or call me because my dad is insane and he's opening everything and I can't answer the phone and it isn't worth it. 
> 
> At least on the bright side he only found the one letter. He tore apart my room but I keep them all in my car because my mom likes to come in and snoop a lot and I guess it didn't occur to him that I would do that because he never checked the car and he gave up on looking for more. I'm sorry. I know you didn't have to hear it but he read it to me I guess just to rub it in and humiliate me in front of my mom but he read it out loud and he made your words sound so awful and I almost lost it on him but I just didn't do shit and I wish that instead I had just hit him and taken the letter back like I wanted to. He tore up the pictures and lit the stupid fucking fireplace for the first time in years just to throw the pieces in there. I don't know if he threw the letter away or if it's shoved in a drawer in his desk or what but he kept it and I hate that. I have all of your letters except for the one that matters the most. 
> 
> So anyways I'm okay and I'm going to try and just go along with whatever he wants for now until something changes. I promise it isn't as bad as it sounds like my parents don't really bring it up that much they just don't let me out of their sight anymore and it could be a lot worse. I hope you're doing okay and I'm sorry if I freaked you out I was just trying to let you know not to send anything before it was too late.
> 
> Love,
> 
> _Steve_

-

> _Dear Steve,_
> 
> You really went above and beyond to test my whole “never taking a picture of myself in the mirror ever again” thing, huh? I’d like to be a man of my word, but you’ve got me. Now what the hell am I supposed to do? Make Will take them for me? El? Mom? You know I’d sooner walk into traffic.
> 
> Alright, that’s my limit.
> 
> Please, if you ever think that you're in danger, please promise me that you'll leave. I don't care if you have to leave everything behind, Steve. Nothing is more important than your safety. The second you feel unsafe in that house, you get the hell out, and you get help. I know there are at least six people in Hawkins who would do anything for you, and there are four more just a couple days' drive away. Please, Steve. I need you to promise me that you'll stay safe. 
> 
> Since you said that your car is secure for now, I have something for you. You'll notice that the tape in this package claims to be Kenny Rogers' incredibly heterosexual Christmas album, but it harbors a truly deviant secret. Hopefully it will be more successful in concealing its true nature than its owner has been. Hope you've got a lock on your glove box.
> 
> I also really hope that that comes off as funny rather than terrible, because I'm insanely worried about you. I know that you don't always like to hear about that and you'd rather find a way to laugh about it, so I'm doing my best. Here's the tracklist for your new favorite tape:
> 
> A side
> 
>   1. _Be Straight_ , Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
>   2. _Once in a Lifetime,_ Talking Heads
>   3. _Lust for Life_ , Iggy Pop
>   4. _Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll_, Ian Dury
>   5. _Rebel Rebel_ , David Bowie
>   6. _I'm Five Years Ahead of My Time_ , The Third Bardo
>   7. _Walk on the Wild Side_ , Lou Reed
>   8. _Lola_ , The Kinks
> 

> 
> B side
> 
>   1. _Boys Don't Cry_ , The Cure
>   2. _How Soon Is Now?_ , The Smiths
>   3. _Rough Boys_ , Pete Townshend
>   4. _Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've?)_ , Buzzcocks
>   5. _Into the Light_ , Siouxie and the Banshees
>   6. _This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)_ , Talking Heads
>   7. _Heroes_ , David Bowie
> 

> 
> I really did want to put some Queen in there, but I couldn't make it work no matter how I tried it. Just picture Freddie Mercury the whole time you're listening and it'll be perfect. I guess that could apply to any situation in life, just picture Freddie Mercury and whatever you're doing will suck a little less, but this is different. Since this is your favorite tape, it's going to elevate what's already perfect in your mind. 
> 
> The whole family’s still coming out for spring break. If I've got to hang out at Family Video all day, I will. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you, or if there's a story you're telling everybody about why you're on house arrest that you need me to back up. I mean it when I say anything, Steve. If you want to, you can have Robin call me and arrange some time for me to skip school while you're working so that you can call for a little bit. I know it sounds dumb, but if you're still locked down as tightly as you were when you wrote your last letter, I'd imagine you're losing your mind over the decrease in social interaction. I'm personally getting hit pretty hard with that senior-year apathy, and I'd love an excuse to ditch every now and then.
> 
> I'm going to worry about you one last time before I wrap up. Make sure you keep Robin in the loop on everything and talk about it. Don't try and play it off like it's nothing the way that you always want to do. I know that it seems easier that way, but you'll only wind up hurting yourself if you keep it in. Yeah, the situation could be worse, but it could also be a hell of a lot better, and you're allowed to acknowledge how much it fucking sucks.
> 
> If you decide to tell Mike, Dustin, Lucas, and Max the truth about what's going on, I'm with you, or if you make some shit up, I'm with you on that, too. I promise you that they'll love you and do whatever they can to help you either way. You're not alone, Steve.
> 
> Please just remember that. You're not alone.
> 
> Love, 
> 
> _Jonathan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> side a: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5jwqsBr3xdPoV1pqubhPh2?si=vNUMKhcUR1yMcRIP5PpgOw
> 
> side b: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1zQJjQoiu9vlb1se7ZOZU6?si=yvcdgbPPS_S5JQdJgP1E1Q
> 
> full mix: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2MU0IJqZuRLwqKro5crVck?si=qyAeS5KSQ6W4ap3uTZnSog


	17. tattoo

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> Well house arrest sucks.
> 
> Keith is here so I only have as long as my break lasts to write, but it’s not like I have anything to write about. I told the Gremlins that I’m grounded because my parents found my weed. Robin figured they wouldn’t question it since why the hell would I lie about that you know? Anyways they’ve all been making fun of me for it and it sucks but I’m glad they have something to laugh about. I keep missing Max's softball games and I feel like shit about it but I can't get paroled for that and Robin went for her last time so I guess I just have to suck it up.
> 
> That’s about it. Mom has been making me go to church on days when I didn’t know they had church which sucks but it could be worse. The warden is still up my ass all the time. I fucking hate him but what else is new. I'm just pissed at myself for fucking up because if I hadn't forgotten to check the mail none of this would even be happening.
> 
> How have you been doing? I know some schools are sending acceptance stuff right now. Any big news yet? What about El and Will? Not colleges like how have they been doing? I’ll take any news of the outside world you’ve got. And I do like care about them or whatever but don’t tell them that it’ll ruin my image. I bet Mike already told them about the weed and if I knew her dad then he probably told her that marijuana is just as bad as heroin so maybe if she’s freaked out you can tell her the truth. Will too if you think he’d be like cool about it and not tell the others.
> 
> I don’t really care if the others know about me honestly but I don’t want them to worry. You know them they would try to pull some kid hero shit and make it all worse. Anyways Keith is on my ass now so I have to stop writing and stash this for Robin to grab later so I guess that’s it for now. I hope you’re doing okay.
> 
> Love, 
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I told El. She was just really worried like you said she would be, and someone had to explain homophobia to her eventually. I don’t think she even knew being gay was a thing, I kind of blew her mind. The bracelet in here is from her. I told her that if she sent anything, it had to be very covert, so this is the second one she made. She kept the rainbow one and she wants me to tell you that she’s wearing it until you can. Dustin told her blue was your favorite color, so blame him if you hate it. I told her about me, too. I couldn’t tell her about you without being honest about myself first. I wouldn’t have told her about you if she reacted badly to me. 
> 
> Will doesn’t know yet. I know he’d be supportive, but I’m not 100% sure that he wouldn’t take it upon himself to tell the others and launch a half-baked rescue mission, so I’m holding off. It still feels wrong to tell other people on your behalf anyway.
> 
> I’ve gotten a couple of acceptances, but nothing that matters yet. You’ll probably know the same time that I do, assuming that Robin finds a way to tell you about NYU immediately when she gets her letter. El’s just scraping by in most of her classes, but she’s actually on track to get a B in math. I think she likes the objectivity of it. Words can confuse her and she doesn’t have the base understanding she needs for a lot of stuff in her other classes, but math comes pretty easily to her and Will is a good tutor. He’s been stepping up lately and I’m really proud of him. I don’t know exactly what did it, the play, our talks, the distance from Hawkins, or just him growing up, but he’s happy and he and El finally seem like they’re family. When they fight, now, it’s not real, you know? It’s sibling stuff.
> 
> Mom is sad that it’s too warm now to wear that ridiculous scarf you made. Do you still knit? I’ve thought about taking up something besides photography. You know, something can’t be your career and your escape. Maybe it can, I don’t know, but I figure it’s smart to have something else, you know? Something that I can keep to myself besides you. 
> 
> I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ll keep this short, but you should think about keeping more stuff stashed at work or with Robin. The kinds of things you don’t want to lose but don’t need with you all the time. Things that you would want to keep away from your dad if he decided to search your car, too. I’m sure you’ve thought about this already. It just makes me feel better, covering the bases.
> 
> Stay safe. 
> 
> Love, 
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

> _ Dear Jonathan, _
> 
> You wanted me to spill my guts, but I can’t tell Robin anything without having to see her look like she’s going to throw up or cry or kill somebody, so you’re going to have to deal with my shit for now. Sorry.
> 
> I cried a lot when it happened. Like a lot. Like I couldn’t fucking breathe for a while and my dad was just screaming at me and it was like I was frozen I couldn’t do anything I couldn’t even think all I could think was that I was dying. How did I keep it together for the fucking Russians but I can’t for my dad? That’s kind of bullshit I definitely didn’t keep it together with the Russians but I didn’t just shut down you know? It was different. It was just different.
> 
> You know I kept it together until he tore up my pictures. I was just thinking it was like the dumb interrogation and I just had to deny deny deny until he was finished and I would be okay but then he pulled out the pictures and started saying shit about you and it was just different when it wasn’t about me anymore. I was angry until he tore the first one and it was the one where you held the Talking Heads record in front of your face and that was my favorite one so I stopped being angry and I just shut down. Okay that sounds bad it wasn’t my favorite because you covered your face it was my favorite because I felt like it was the only one where you weren’t insanely uncomfortable like you actually had fun with it. You should let your mom take your camera sometimes though and get pictures of you and Will and stuff you know? 
> 
> Anyways you wanted me to spill and I guess that was the big thing. That I cried. I can’t remember the last time I cried in front of my parents. I was honestly probably a baby the last time I cried in front of anybody except for you a little bit at the party, but I don’t really know if you even saw so maybe that doesn’t count. Ever since my mom can't even look me in the eye.
> 
> I haven’t cried since then. Like it was so much that night and I couldn’t breathe and I was crying in front of my dad and it was like the fucking world was falling apart around me and I know that the world has literally ripped open here before but this felt even worse.
> 
> Have you ever felt that way? Shit, I know you have. I know you felt you probably way worse than me when Will was gone and I made everything worse. I don’t know how to stop making things worse. God like I’m trying Jonathan and every time I think I’ve gotten better I just ruin everything again and this time all I can do is sit here and think about how the better things get the worse it is when it all goes wrong. It always goes wrong. I don’t know how to be right. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard but I can’t be right.
> 
> Ever since that night I’ve felt like crying a lot but I haven’t. I don’t think I could no matter how hard I tried. It’s like I used up all the water in my face. Maybe I’m just still losing my mind and I can’t tell.
> 
> I need to stop or I think Robin is going to know something is up and I can’t handle that right now so I need to stop. Tell El that I love the bracelet. Tell her thank you for keeping my secret I know she hates lying. Tell her that I’m going to be okay and it makes me feel better just knowing that she’s in my corner. Tell El that I love her but don’t say it like that. You know what I mean. I never thought math was really objective, it always felt like the rules kept switching every year but I’m happy it makes sense to her. That’s probably good for her, something that makes sense. We all deal with a lot of shit that doesn’t.
> 
> We’ll figure something out for spring break. I think I might just stay shut down until then.
> 
> Love,
> 
> _ Steve _

-

> _ Dear Steve, _
> 
> I've never sat down to write to you before and just not known what to say. All I want to do is tell you how much I care about you, but I know that won't really fix anything. I feel like I should try to offer practical advice, but there isn't really anything helpful I can tell you besides that you can always call us and we'll do whatever we can for you. By "we," I mean me and Mom. El and Will too, but they can't drive and they don't have their own money, so mostly just me and Mom. I want to try and make you laugh, to distract you, but I don't know how. You're the funny one. I'm more adept at providing snarky commentary, but I don't have anything to comment on, or at least I don't know how to make it funny. I'm just going to do it all. Good luck reading this mess. Make sure you keep it hidden from the prison guards. Remember that time you said I could write anything and you wouldn't blink? Time to keep your word. 
> 
> You're an amazing person, Steve, maybe the best person I've ever known. You're so much better than all of that shit you tell yourself, better than the shit that your parents and all of those idiots in Hawkins make you think you are. You don't ruin things. You saved my life. Nancy, Lucas, Dustin, Max, Mike, Will, El, fuck, probably Erica and my mom and all of Hawkins too by extension. You've kept yourself alive through so much shit that it astounds me. I don't understand it, how you do it, but you're so much more, Steve. I don't mean to reduce you to the worst nights of our lives. Like I've said a million times because I can't find quite the right words for what I really want to say, you're more. You treat a bunch of random teenagers like they're your own siblings. You see things and understand things in a way that's so unique to you, and my favorite part of watching any movie now is just waiting until you've seen it and I can hear what you thought about it.
> 
> I beat the shit out of you once, and you showed up at my door a few hours later, more desperate than I've ever seen you, just to apologize. We didn't even know each other. God, I think about that all the time. You had no idea that Nancy was with me, or that we were about to risk our lives for Will. You thought everything was normal, and you were so frantic, so worried that I wouldn't want to talk to you and work things out, and it's that moment, all of the little moments like it, that make you who you are. That make you different. You care so much and so freely that it makes me a little less afraid of caring, too.
> 
> Like that time you told me about Tommy, before your worthless excuse for a father suspended phone privileges. I know that you feel stupid for caring about him, but you shouldn't. You really shouldn't. You should never feel stupid, or guilty, or regret caring about somebody. It's a good thing. It may hurt, but it's good. Like getting a tattoo. Not that I would know. That's just how a friend of mine described it. You don't just endure the pain, you enjoy it a little bit, alongside the suffering, because you know what it means. Even if you end up regretting it and going to get it removed or covered up later, it's still kinda good that you got the tattoo in the first place. It helped you learn what's worth the pain and what isn't.
> 
> I'm not really a tattoo guy. I never saw the point. Then again, I also never felt so unashamed of something that mattered to me that I would have the guts to put it in my skin. They're expensive, too, I don't know if you know that. That's not the point, though. The point is that if something changes you, it wasn't a waste. Not a waste of time. Not a waste of energy. Not a waste of love or hate.
> 
> If you're wrong, Steve, then so is the whole fucking world, because you're as right to me as I could possibly imagine.
> 
> I said I was going to offer practical advice and try to make you laugh, too, so here goes. Is the title to your car in your name or your father's? You don't want to finally move out only for him to call the cops on you for grand theft auto. If it's in his name, then getting a car of your own should be your first priority. The used car place down by the Sonic usually has decent prices and I haven't heard of them scamming anybody, or if you're really low on funds you could always ask around among any old people you know. Old people always know somebody who's selling an old car for cheap, and they're usually nicer about it than salesmen. Obviously you can't do much of this on lockdown, but don't be afraid to ask Robin or even Nancy (you wouldn't need to tell her everything, maybe use the drug story or say that it's about you not going to college or something) for help. Hell, maybe if you start spending time with Nancy again, they'll lay off. I would also try testing the waters about moving in with Robin or Dustin. I know that you don't want to put either of them in an awkward situation, and of course you don't want to tell their families any more than you have to, but it's good to figure that kind of stuff out sooner so that you have a fallback plan just in case shit turns south on a dime. 
> 
> Now I have to try and be funny. Alright, that didn't work. I tried, but I've got nothing. It was a long shot to begin with.
> 
> Will heard about the house arrest, so he's given me a drawing to pass on to you that I think you'll enjoy. I personally love the shading on your cartoonishly oversized joint almost as much as I admire the glint of moonlight off of the bars. Mom tried to take the opportunity to lecture us all about drugs, but she ended up just shit-talking your parents for like ten minutes. El gets mad at TV shows with homophobic jokes now on your behalf and she'll put them on a list of things that she never wants to watch again. They're all so much funnier than me, and they don't even realize it. Well, maybe Will does. He definitely thinks he is, but he doesn't know the full extent of it.
> 
> Anyway, we might be packing up or even on our way up to Hawkins by the time you get this, if the mail moves particularly slowly. Nancy wants to get lunch at some point in the week, but besides that, my spring break belongs to you and Family Video.
> 
> I hope you know that I think you're something like the sun. If you don't know what I mean, I'll remind you when we finally see each other again.
> 
> Yours,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one chapter left, everybody! thank you so much to everyone who's been reading, leaving kudos, commenting, and talking to me on tumblr (@lesbianrobin) about this fic. it means so much to me that there are people out there finding happiness in these letters, and it's because of you all that this fic is now the longest thing i've ever written and the first proper multichapter fic i've ever seen through to the end. 
> 
> the update gap may be longer than normal, just a warning! it'll be well worth it, i promise <3


	18. rhythm

"To try to write love is to confront the muck of language; that region of hysteria where language is both too much and too little, excessive (by the limitless expansion of the ego, by emotive submersion) and impoverished (by the codes on which love diminishes and levels it)." -Roland Barthes, _ A Lover's Discourse: Fragments _

-

Jonathan's never been one to speed, outside of life-or-death situations. Just two years ago, the cost of a single speeding ticket would have been the difference between Will getting an Atari or a pack of crayons for Christmas, and even now with a bit of cash from Hopper’s life insurance, they’re in no position to be throwing away cash. None of them want to touch that money anyway. It's a stupid risk to take, even if you have been driving the same roads all your life and you know about every curve in the way, even if you know that nobody's ever on this road and you really need to get to work as soon as possible. Speeding is for those times in life when your little brother is trapped in another dimension or there's a giant monster chasing you that'll tear your car to shreds if it catches up. It's for when nothing else matters except getting to where you're going, so he's a little annoyed that Mom absolutely refused to go 70 in every 55 zone on the way to Hawkins like he wanted to. They’re back in Indiana, though, so it’s only another hour or so until they’re home. Not Hawkins. Home.

None of them talk about it. Will and El miss their friends. Sometimes Mom says she misses knowing all the streets and not needing directions to get anywhere. Nobody owns up to missing something more. Jonathan might be the only one who sometimes dreams about the slightly musty smell of the public library, the rusted-out truck sitting just off of Randolph, and the sea of familiar faces at Hawkins High. Sure, most of those faces belonged to assholes, but they were still familiar. Familiarity is nice. Comfortable. 

“Do you think if we go to Family Video, Steve will give us some of the candy from the desk for free?”

“No,” Jonathan replies instantly.

Will clicks his tongue. “I’m pretty sure he would.”

“Yeah, he would, which is why you’re not going to ask.”

“What?” Will and El say simultaneously.

Jonathan turns to give them a stern look. “If you want him to keep his job, then you’re not going to ask.” He pretends not to see Will’s eye roll as he turns back around, gazing out the windshield at the passing landscape. The trees seem a little different here. Wilder, maybe. Less like set dressing and more like something alive. 

Mom laughs. “You haven’t seen your friends in months and you’re worried about free candy?”

“We aren’t worried,” El says, “Just… wanting. Wanting free candy. For our friends.”

“Are we there yet?” Jonathan asks.

El kicks his seat and he grins. It’s nice to have two people riding in the back.

Jonathan leans his seat back as far as it will go, just to hear El screech at him, before sitting back up and locking it a little straighter than he’d prefer. He lets the voices in the car blur into background noise as he focuses on the window. Trees fade into fields fade into smatterings of warehouses, farms, and gas stations, and then he starts to recognize things. Marshall’s Furniture Outlet where Mom and Lonnie used to drag him and Will every few months to look cute and support their rough attempts at haggling for a new bedroom set. The McDonald’s where Will peed on his shoes once because he insisted that he was too old to go into the women’s room with Mom, but he still needed help, so Jonathan had to go and stand in the men’s stall with him. The cornfield with an old shack in the middle where Jonathan almost got arrested for trespassing while he was taking pictures. Memories wash over him, one after the other. Stopping at that gas station with Nancy. Taking Will to that dentist. Jumping that curb on his bike. Speeding away from a giant monster down that street. His fingers clenched on the steering wheel, blood rushing in his ears, body thrumming with pain and adrenaline, screams filling the car as the wheels screeched and all he could think about was how ironic it would be if they all died in a crushed hunk of metal and glass because he turned the wheel just a second too late.

He squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. 

Does Steve feel sick whenever he drives past the burned-out husk of Starcourt Mall? Jonathan shouldn’t be afraid to ask anymore. It’s not like he actually  _ needs  _ to ask.

Steve doesn’t drive past Starcourt unless he has to, and he tries not to have to. He hasn’t visited any graves since the land was filled in and the funeral processions stopped bringing Hawkins to a standstill every day. People who bring up Starcourt to him usually end up feeling guilty about it. None of his old friends from high school have called in months. There are a lot of other things that Jonathan knows despite Steve never telling him, either over the phone or in a letter, but they’re not as heavy, like how Steve knows every word to every song from  _ Grease _ , or how he actually hums his A-B-C’s out loud as he washes his hands, or how the only assigned reading he ever actually got through was The Great Gatsby. They’re things that Jonathan has no reason to know, no trauma-based excuse for understanding and no hints that he could reasonably piece together from their months of correspondence. 

It’s been nearly a full year since Steve Harrington stopped existing in Jonathan’s periphery. He used to always be there. In the hallways, in the bathroom, at dances, at the mandatory pep rallies, in the Wheelers’ living room… Steve was there. Then, of course, he and Nancy broke up, and Steve wasn’t hanging around anymore when Jonathan went to pick up Will from Mike’s, and he skipped the pep rallies, and he only came to Prom long enough to get his crown and then disappear before Jonathan could get a picture for the yearbook. He still got little doses, before Steve graduated and started existing more as a memory than as a person, in the hallways and the bathrooms and at the final championship basketball game.

Jonathan usually just handed all of his yearbook stuff over, but he kept a copy of that picture. Steve and Billy are each holding one side of the trophy aloft, Billy’s grin feral and Steve’s strained. It’s maybe the sort of thing he should have given to Max after everything that happened over the summer, but he’d forgotten about it until he was packing up all of his stuff, and by then it seemed almost cruel. It might have been cruel at any time, considering their history. He’d rather just be Will’s older brother than be the guy to remind Max about how her dead step-brother beat the shit out of Steve when Steve wouldn’t let him hurt her boyfriend just because he’s black.

Finally, the “Welcome to Hawkins” sign flies by the window, and even though he never really forgot, Jonathan remembers that they left for a reason.

“Can you drop me—”

“—at Family Video,” all three occupants of the car finish with him, before El breaks into shrieking giggles.

“I know,” Mom says.

Will snorts. “We all know.”

El’s arms come from behind to wrap around his shoulders, as much as they can while she’s still restrained by her seatbelt. She pats his shoulder before holding her right arm out and wiggling it. Jonathan takes a deep breath to will away the tears pricking at his eyes. There’s the little rainbow bracelet she’s been wearing for Steve. He takes El’s hand, loosens the incredibly advanced sliding knot that took her a week to perfect, and slips the bracelet off her wrist and onto his own. She pats around blindly until her hand lands on his head and she ruffles his hair.

“Rent something for me and Max,” she says.

“Anything?”

She keeps fucking around with his hair for a few seconds before sighing. “...Something romantic. Teen Wolf?”

Mom glances around the car. “What… Is Teen Wolf romantic?”

“No,” Will says, as Jonathan replies, “Technically.”

“Is he… just a wolf, or..?” 

“Werewolf,” Jonathan says, swatting at El’s hand until she smooths down his hair and lets her hand drop back down to his shoulder. “There’s a love triangle. Quadrangle, I guess, actually. And he’s not a normal werewolf, he can kind of pick when it happens, it’s not just a full moon thing.”

“And he plays basketball,” Will adds.

“Huh.”

El huffs. “What else, then?”

Silver Bullet’s definitely out of the question, even if it was one of Jonathan’s favorites of the past year. Smooth Talk and The Color Purple are… too much. Clue would make for a good, fun sleepover flick, but Max likes action and El likes romance and it doesn’t have much in the way of either. Maybe something older. 

“How about this, I’ll ask Steve and Robin for help, and we’ll find a few things for you guys to pick from?”

“Don’t ask Steve, they’ll end up watching Up In Smoke.”

“Will!”

“Sorry.” Will is smiling. Jonathan can hear it in his voice. 

Downtown Hawkins comes into view. El’s arms finally leave his shoulders, but Jonathan takes her hand and squeezes it once before letting her settle back into her seat.

The RadioShack has moved back onto Main Street. Melvald’s, however, is nowhere to be seen, in its place a new Hook’s Drug Store. It gives Jonathan a sense of satisfaction that turns his stomach. He shouldn’t root for the death of small businesses, but Donald was an asshole and it feels just a little bit like justice for all the birthdays and Christmases that he and Will spent with just each other for company, their mother working the counter at the general store until after the sun went down and coming home too tired to do much besides kiss their foreheads and shuffle them off to bed. Hopefully Will looks back on those days more fondly than Jonathan does.

Jonathan did his best, waking up when Mom left so that he could fix Will a big special breakfast, with the blueberry and chocolate-chip pancakes arranged with bacon and strawberries to look like a wizard (with a whipped-cream beard, of course). He’d always tried to frame it like they were lucky to have holidays with no parents around to stop them from having fun, and even though Will was old enough to know the truth, Jonathan likes to think that his efforts weren’t all in vain. They did have fun. He knows for a fact that Will enjoyed their sword battles around Castle Byers, because he’d always recount them to Mom when she got home as if they were real-life D&D campaigns, complete with dramatic arm movements and shouting that always made Jonathan feel a little proud of himself.

The vet clinic just past Main seems a little off, but Jonathan isn’t quite sure why. Was it always white? He could have sworn it wasn’t white before, but no other color comes to mind. The void of knowledge makes his gut twist. Hawkins isn’t home anymore. Steve is in Hawkins, though. He’s here, alive and hopefully well. Jonathan will get to see him, talk to him, touch him. 

Jonathan’s hands are shaking. When did they start shaking?

Steve is strong, as El loves reminding him. Steve is also sensitive, and vulnerable, and desperate for his parents’ love and acceptance, and Jonathan’s been crying himself to sleep at night, physically ill with worry, and even now that he’s here he won’t be able to do shit. What, is he going to throw fireworks at Steve’s father until he stops being a homophobe? Take some incriminating pictures of Steve’s mother dragging him to church and leak them to the press? All he can do is… show up. Show up and be useless within arm’s reach instead of useless a thousand miles away.

What does Steve even want from him? Does he still want anything, after that last letter? Jonathan did everything but write it. Honestly, what he did write might have been even worse than a simple “I love you.” God, can he even really know that he’s in love? They haven’t seen each other in months, and they were barely friends when Jonathan left. Christmas hardly counts when Jonathan spent the entire time avoiding Steve like a coward. It hadn’t been the plan. He just couldn’t take seeing him in person. He finally accepted that women weren’t really his speed, broke up with Nancy, and then Steve was there, shining like he always does, and it was all too much too soon, so he turned into a total asshole and dodged Steve over and over again. Jonathan was just a little bit afraid of what he might do.

Steve has a way of doing that. Stopping him in his tracks. Making him feel so much, so deeply, that he finds new ways of being himself, does things that surprise him. He’d asked Mom if he could have his own motel room for the trip, and luckily she hadn’t questioned this desire at all, but he was ready to be honest, even though he isn’t… totally sure of the truth himself. It’s just in case. In case Steve has dark circles under his eyes and his smile seems forced. In case his face is bruised or his hair is flat or his skin is pallid. In case Jonathan takes one look at him and has no choice but to beg him not to go back home. Just in case, he’ll have a room, and Steve won’t have to tell anybody about what’s going on in order to be safe for a few nights.

The car begins to slow down, Mom leaning forward in her seat to peer at the road ahead. Looking for the turn. God, he’s going to throw up. 

"Do you guys want to go say hi to Steve, too?"

"I guess," Will starts, but Jonathan hears a light smack before El pipes up.

"No. We can see him later."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh, yeah," Will says, "Actually, El's right. We'll see him later."

"Alright. Oh, is it-"

"Yeah," Jonathan nods, and Mom turns the wheel a little too quickly, thrusting him against the car door, and then he's there.

They've parked right next to Steve's BMW. 

Jonathan might be sick.

"Alright, honey! You're sure Steve will be able to drive you to the hotel?"

"Yeah, mom."

She meets his gaze over the console, and he might actually throw up, so he releases his seatbelt and opens the car door with a tight smile. He climbs out, ducking back in to grab the camera bag he'd kept tucked between his feet and say goodbye to Will and El.

"See you guys later. Say hi to everyone for me."

"We will." 

"Don't forget a movie for me and Max."

"Have fun!"

Jonathan shuts the door too softly. He reopens it and slams it shut, feeling it rattle up his arm and throughout his body. Ignoring the lump in his throat, he looks through the glass doors of Family Video as his mom squeals out of the parking lot.

Right there, through the glass, Steve’s chatting with somebody just out of view. There’s an easy grin on his face, and it’s the warmest thing he’s ever seen. Jonathan can’t help the shiver that runs down his spine. 

Steve turns, and for a moment it’s like everything has frozen.

It's been more than three months. Exactly one hundred and seven days, which Jonathan knows because it's been one hundred and four days since El last saw her friends. It's been one hundred and seven days since he's felt his heart spike at the brush of Steve's hand across his back, and one hundred and four days since he drove home finally understanding the sensation of regret. 

Can he really regret it, though, when it brought him here anyway?

Jonathan has hope now, huddled within the cloud of anxious fear in his gut. Those arcing flashes of electricity that used to fill his chest when he thought of Steve have morphed into something more solid. Something permanent. Why was he so nervous?

Steve’s smile doesn’t fade. It just… shifts, moving from his pink lips to his tired eyes, as he runs a hand through his hair. It’s longer now, roots visibly just a bit darker than the rest of it, and a few stray pieces hang softly around his face, seemingly free of hairspray. He’s wearing a new watch next to a worn blue string bracelet. His old watch never glinted in the light. Maybe that’s just Jonathan, though, because despite the unkempt hair and dark circles under his eyes and tacky nametag on his chest, Steve still just shines, and all he can think is… Oh, there you are. What took us so long?

For once, Jonathan has no desire to tamp down the smile that spreads itself so wide across his face that his cheeks hurt. It's been waiting for long enough.

Time keeps moving and Jonathan keeps breathing, as Steve abandons whatever conversation he was having to rush towards him, throwing the glass door open, and Jonathan drops his camera bag on the ground just in time to catch Steve in his arms. He staggers back, arms wrapping around Steve’s broad shoulders on instinct, fingers clutched in the fabric of his shirt. Steve’s face finds the crook of his neck and Steve’s arms wrap themselves around his waist and warmth overwhelms him.

“You’re here,” Steve mumbles, his lips brushing against Jonathan’s neck.

“So are you." 

Jonathan holds him tighter, basking in the hard lines of Steve's body and the fresh, vaguely floral scent of what must be Steve’s shampoo. His eyes squeeze shut and he tries to breathe as deeply as his lungs can manage. Maybe if he can just take in enough, it will linger, and then whenever he's alone he can hold this feeling in his hands the way that he holds Steve's letters. Relive it over and over, feel it against the pads of his fingers, press it against his chest, slip it under his pillow to keep him company through the night and then fold it up to keep in his pocket the next day. Jonathan tries to catalogue it all; the rough synthetic fabric of his work vest, the tickle of his hair, the shape of his shoulder blades, the rise and fall of his chest, and the warm puffs of breath exhaled onto his neck, but it's over far too soon.

Steve pulls back, keeping one hand on Jonathan's waist and meeting his eyes for just a second before allowing both his hand and his gaze to drop. "Is that your camera?"

"Uh, yeah," he says. "Yeah, I just… uh…" 

A light breeze ruffles Steve's hair. He waits patiently for Jonathan to find his words. None come. Steve laughs.

"Yeah," he echoes, and pulls Jonathan in again.

Jonathan doesn't try to memorize this one. He just enjoys it. Steve is here, he’s safe, and this isn’t a daydream, or a nightmare where the Demogorgon or some vaguely handsome middle-aged man with a homophobic vibe comes out of nowhere to yank Steve away. It’s his life, and his life involves holding Steve close for far too long in a shitty Hawkins parking lot. 

"You're early," Steve says.

"I didn't think you'd be waiting."

"Well, that’s dumb of you."

Jonathan laughs, shoving Steve back before he can get too comfortable in his arms.

"Honestly, I thought I'd just hang out here until you had to clock out, and then…"

"New plan," Steve says, grin brightening his face. Happiness looks good on him. "Dad's out of town. Big asshole conference. Mom said she'd stay to keep an eye on me but she'll look the other way. Rob's gonna cover for me with Keith." He claps his hands together before pointing at Jonathan. "I'm all yours, and we've got a date."

It’s insanely lucky. Improbably lucky. Far more importantly, it’s absolutely terrifying. He's never actually been on a proper date. He and Nancy got their start in a creepy guy's basement and never really classed it up from there. Even if study dates do count, they still don't feel like they should by virtue of having been with, well, a girl. Those butterflies in his stomach hadn't been from excitement, but from anxiety and confusion.

Maybe he's misread this whole thing. Maybe Steve just means it in the colloquial sense. People say they have a date all the time when they just mean they're hanging out. Maybe if he can believe that, then he'll calm down and he won't fuck up his first real date.

"We're not the only ones," Jonathan says, and nods toward Family Video. "El told me to get something romantic."

"Do she and Max… "

"God, I don’t know. I don’t think they do, either."

"Well, either way, Max told me about it. I've already got some tapes set aside, we can drop them off on our way."

Steve ducks down to sling Jonathan's camera bag over his shoulder.

"Our way to…"

"Kerley," Steve says, yanking the front door of Family Video open and gesturing for Jonathan to walk through.

He goes. "What's playing?" 

"It's a surprise."

"I hate surprises."

"Tough shit."

"Aw, you guys are sweet," Robin says dryly, chin in her hands as she leans against the counter. Her smiling face betrays her tone.

“They’re in the back, give me a second.”

Jonathan nods as Steve slips behind the front desk, camera bag still slung over his shoulder. It looks like it belongs there.

Robin also looks like she belongs here, in much the same way that the Terminator looks like he belongs in Los Angeles. Despite the polyester vest and the boredom evident in her stance, there’s an undeniable spark of difference that won’t allow her to simply blend into her surroundings. 

“Hey,” he tries.

“Hey,” she says, glancing toward the back room before gesturing for him to lean in close. Her eyes seem to bore into his soul as she whispers, “Don’t fuck it up.”

Jonathan freezes. “I…”

She snorts. “Relax, dingbat. You’d have to try, like, really hard.”

“Uh, yeah,” he says lamely, and Robin grins as she takes the hand off his arm.

Steve emerges from the backroom holding a stack of tapes aloft. “Ta-da! Let’s hit the road!”

“What, no goodbye?”

Steve kisses Robin’s head as he passes, rejoining Jonathan on the other side of the counter.

“Ew,” she says, eyes shining with affection.

“Bye, Robin.”

Robin nods at Jonathan, and he turns to follow Steve out the front door.

Steve’s always moved a little bit faster than the world around him. Jonathan can’t help the flicker of unreasonable joy he gets from the sight of Steve crossing the parking lot to reach his car before Jonathan can even step off the sidewalk. It was always so hard to get action shots of him during basketball games. He’d traverse half the court in the time between Jonathan pointing his camera and squeezing the shutter release, and he’d end up with a blurred mess of green, white, and orange. Jonathan always had to wait for just the right moment, to catch Steve and squeeze just before he filled the frame. Now, Steve shoots him a wide grin as he opens the passenger side door of his car and waits patiently for Jonathan to catch up.

It’s a good thing that Jonathan was still in pretty serious denial and wasn’t very close with Steve in high school, because if someone had told him to go take pictures of the Hawkins High basketball team in his current state of mind, he wouldn’t have gotten a single picture of anyone but Steve.

He gets in the car and presses his lips together firmly as Steve gently hands over his camera bag and the stack of tapes. There's such a thing as smiling too much. “So, this surprise.”

“You'll see.” Steve shuts the door for him, slides across the hood of the car, and whips into the driver's seat, settling in with a shit-eating grin that Jonathan can't help returning.

He snorts. “You always like this?”

“Eh, only on special occasions,” Steve says, starting the car. “Seatbelt.”

“Yes, sir.”

They pull out of the parking lot abruptly, Steve stepping hard on the gas. The inertia presses Jonathan back against his seat. Steve glances over, eyes meeting Jonathan's for just a second before flicking back to the road.

Steve huffs out something like a laugh. “Uh, sorry. I'm kinda used to Dustin, he always forgets to buckle it and argues about it not being the law and I'm like, okay, I don't care about the law, I care about you not flying through my windshield, y'know? And Robin, y'know, she's not as bad about it, but she's one of those, like, buckle it halfway down the road people, and she just stresses me out.”

“El's like that. She hates seatbelts with a passion. To be fair to her, though, I guess she never even saw a car until, like… two and half years ago?”

“Shit, that's it?”

"Yeah, it sounds… weird, like that."

The rumble of the wind and tires on the road fills the car for a moment.

“...I can't decide if it seems like it should be longer-”

“Or shorter,” Jonathan finishes, and they share a tense laugh. 

“How's she been doing?”

“Oh!” Jonathan remembers El's gift. “I guess I have a surprise for you too.” He places his camera bag so that it hides the rainbow bracelet on his wrist. “But, uh, later. El's been good. Actually good, not just…”

Is there even a word for what he’s trying to say?

Steve finishes for him. “Not just, like, bare minimum, ‘technically nothing is wrong with her’ good. Actually good.”

“...Yeah. Yeah, exactly.” The air in his lungs feels cleaner, somehow. Lighter. Clearer. It’s disgusting, how just that simple act of understanding is making him feel a little lightheaded. 

“She misses him, of course. It’s still hard sometimes, but she’s happy. It’s kind of amazing, honestly, the way that she’s still such a kid after everything. She’s definitely not normal by any stretch of the imagination, you know, but she’s a kid, and I think… I think she and Will really help each other. But you didn’t… uh, yeah, she’s good.”

“You know I like hearing about them. Anything about them.”

Steve’s voice is a little bit different in person without the slight distortion from the telephone. Jonathan hasn’t even heard it on the phone in weeks, and he missed it. He could listen to him talk for hours.

“Right,” Jonathan says. “Well, then… there’s been some, uh, drama, apparently? With their friends. One of Will’s art buddies is on-and-off dating one of El’s theatre friends and some days it’s all they talk about.”

“Oh, please tell me you know all the freshman nerd drama.”

“I know most of it against my will.”

“God, I’m jealous. The losers here only hang out with each other. I’ve got nothing, it’s so boring. What’s the drama?”

“You’re sure?”

“Please? For me?” Steve’s eyes smile even as his mouth pulls into an exaggerated pout.

“Alright, fine, I’ll tell you all about the relationship drama of some children you’ve never met. Eyes on the road.”

“Well, don’t say it like that.”

“I’ll say it however I want, eyes on the road.”

Steve grins. “Yes, sir.”

He talks about the relationship drama of some kids Steve has never met. His details are fuzzy and sometimes contradictory, but Steve hangs on every word and adds his own commentary. They’re both Team Claire, even though Will insists that Jason is a nice guy and Claire’s just twisting things to make him sound bad.

“No, he… that’s not how it works!”

“Right?”

“Like, even back when I was first dating Nance, I wouldn’t have ever—”

“Right, the guilt thing is just—”

“It’s crazy!”

“Thank you! That’s what I’ve been telling Will, but you know how he’s been.”

“You’re his lame big brother, you don’t know anything.”

“Exactly! He used to like me, you know.”

Steve laughs. “I know.”

“It doesn’t really help my case that all he knows about me and Nancy breaking up is that it was my fault.”

“Oh, tell me about it. Dustin still thinks I’m, like, hopelessly in love with Robin.”

He glances over to find Steve looking back. Steve immediately shifts his gaze toward the windshield, and they fall into silence as Hawkins slides by leisurely. 

Jonathan never had much occasion to drive this far down Cherry Lane. It strikes him that there are corners of Hawkins he’ll never know. It should be common sense, not a realization, but it carves a new place in his mind and settles in regardless. How much longer will he have a reason to come home? A year? Three? He could spend the rest of his life away from Hawkins and nobody would care. The thought should probably feel liberating, but instead it just makes him deeply, inexplicably sad. 

The car slows.

“Max’s mom has been really busy, y’know, with everything, so I don’t know if she’ll be here or not,” Steve says, “She’s really nice, though.”

“Oh, is that where Max gets it from?”

“Shut up,” Steve laughs.

Jonathan looks down at his camera bag, clutching the fabric in his hand. “I don’t even have the right, I know, I haven’t seen Max in forever.”

“No, no, you’re right. She’s still a little shit. All of them are.” The fondness in Steve’s tone is almost too much to take. He pulls onto a gravel drive, outside a small but well-kept house that must belong to the Mayfields. Within seconds the front door flings open and Max comes running out, stopping short and making a face when she gets near the car. She opens Steve’s door before either of them have the chance to even unbuckle their seatbelts. 

“Where is she?”

“Nice to see you too,” Steve says. Jonathan leans across him to hand Max the stack of tapes, which she only grabs after thumping Steve’s ear. There’s a bracelet on her wrist. Jonathan sees its twin on the bathroom counter almost every day. Max’s has gone through a bit more wear than El’s, the colors faded and the dangling ends of the string frayed. 

“Ow! Asshole.”

“Dickhead.”

Jonathan rests an arm on Steve’s shoulder so that he can stay within comfortable conversation distance. “Good to see you, Max.”

“Hey, Jonathan. Where’s El?”

“I think Mom must have taken her by the hotel first so she knows where we’ll be staying. Don’t worry, she’ll be here soon. She’s been dying to see you too.”

Max’s cheeks flush. She looks down to sort through the tapes Steve brought.

“So, this one,” Steve points, “Is a classic, you see Marilyn Monroe there? It’s about these dudes who want to date her, but they’re pretending to be women so they don’t get killed by the mob.”

“Cool,” Max says, and shuffles to the next one.

“Couple more classics, Raiders and The Sound of Music, I figured El probably hasn’t seen them before.” He and Max both glance at Jonathan.

“Well, I haven’t shown her either.”

Max frowns, studying the cases. “Has anyone ever even told her what Nazis are?”

“Uh…” Jonathan thinks. “I’m pretty sure she’s only covered American history up to the twenties so far.”

Steve claps Max on the shoulder. “Well, no time like the present!” She rolls her eyes and shuffles to the next tape. 

“Seriously? The mermaid movie?”

“It’s romantic!” Steve says, smacking her arm. “Plus, who doesn’t like Tom Hanks? And Daryl Hannah? Total babe!”

“Ew.” Max makes a face and hugs the tapes to her chest. Jonathan can tell that she’s holding back a smile; it’s the face that Will always makes when someone hugs him, the one that El makes whenever Jonathan messes with her hair.

He hears a door slam. Max’s mother is approaching, arms crossed but a small smile on her face.

“Max! What did I tell you about-”

“Sorry, Mom,” she says sheepishly. “It makes the AC bill higher, I know.”

Steve shakes his head and clicks his tongue. “Can’t believe what you put your poor mother through, Max.”

“Shut  _ up _ .”

“Steve, honey, it’s been a while. It’s good to see you. This is… Jonathan, right? I’m Susan.”

Susan holds out a hand, which Jonathan takes, glancing at Max who’s looking at Steve whose face is currently very close to Jonathan’s. Susan has a firm handshake.

“Yeah, Jonathan. Thanks for taking El off our hands for the night. Just remember, we’re not responsible for any damages.” It’s a terrible joke, but they all laugh anyway.

“I’ve talked to your mother on the phone, she speaks very highly of you. You’re a year younger than Steve, right, eighteen?”

“Yeah, I’m graduating this year.”

“Oh, with Robin! Such a sweet girl, do you know her?”

“Not as much as I’d like. We moved just a few months after I met her, but we’ve talked on the phone a couple of times since.”

“Have you?” Susan asks, but she directs the question at Steve.

“Well,” Steve says a bit too loudly, “Me and Jonathan have to be going! Don’t wanna miss our movie. Nice seeing you.”

Max snickers. “Thanks for the movies.”

“This is the last time you get new ones before you make a return, got it? This is a special occasion.”

Susan turns to Max. “You didn’t take your rentals back from last week?”

Max hisses, “Traitor,” as Steve says, “Bye Susan!” He pulls his door shut and turns the key.

“We’re gonna be late, huh?”

“Well, we want enough time to stop for food on the way, get gas first, maybe circle town for a little while...”

It’s the freest he’s ever felt. They roll down the windows, and when Jonathan comments that he likes the song on the radio, Steve turns it up so loud that he can hear it blaring clearly over the whipping wind in his ears. They scream along, Steve shamelessly shouting nonsense when he doesn’t know the words and forcing Jonathan to take breaks from his air drum solos to laugh. He laughs until his cheeks and his stomach hurt, more than he’s ever laughed in his life, and what the hell was he so nervous about? It’s just Steve. It’s always been Steve, he thinks, but that isn’t true. The words sound nice and romantic but they don’t have any basis in reality. Sure, he’s known the name Steve Harrington for as long as he can remember, but they’ve never been like this. 

They argue in the drive-through and Jonathan has to toss Steve’s wallet into the backseat before Steve will let him pay for their food. Steve hands him the bag and then lets his hand fall to rest on Jonathan’s leg. It stays there making his heart pound until they roll up to the drive-in and Steve retrieves two tickets from the glove box to pass through the window, grinning at the bored employee and running a hand through his hair. 

“It Happened One Night,” he reads from the stub Steve passes over, and glances up to see Steve looking at him intently.

“I was hoping for some Hitchcock,” Steve says, quickly looking forward as he navigates to their parking spot, “But it’s the anniversary of, uh, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town, so they’re playing a bunch of Capra’s stuff this week. All his big Oscar winners. I figured, you know, it’s… You like classics.”

“And you like black and white,” Jonathan says.

It hangs in the air for a moment, before Steve coughs. “So, we’re a little early.”

“Just a bit.”

Steve’s BMW is the only car parked in front of the big screen. The sun’s just starting to go down, sky awash with pinks and purples. Bright orange light cuts across Steve’s face and he squints into it, hair shining and skin glowing. God, he’s been missing so much. He’d almost convinced himself that letters and phone calls were enough. With Steve alight in front of him it’s impossible to keep up the delusion.

All Jonathan can think about is that scene in Grease, but he’s no Sandra Dee, and though Steve might try, he’s too soft to ever be a Danny Zuko. He’s secretly preferred Grease 2 ever since it came out, anyways. “Reproduction” and “Let’s Do it For Our Country” are far more accurate teenage representation than anything in the first movie, although the comedic potential of having sex in a bunker has kind of been soured by his own personal experience of actually having sex in a bunker. It wasn’t that great. Probably the worst decision he’s ever made, in all honesty. Maybe if the bunker didn’t belong to Murray Bauman and he’d been sharing it with the person he was actually thinking about that night.

“Here,” he says suddenly, handing the bag of food off to Steve who starts rifling through its contents.

“Which stuff is yours? I already forgot.”

Steve’s just looking up when Jonathan squeezes the shutter release.

“Oh, come on! I had my face in the bag!”

Jonathan keeps the camera between them, admiring Steve’s blush through the viewfinder. It’s a little easier this way. He should have brought a video camera. Then he wouldn’t have to fight the urge to blow a whole roll of film on capturing every little shift in Steve’s expression, the way he just barely bites his lower lip for a second before pressing them together, the difference in the crinkles by his eyes when he’s smiling and when he’s squinting in the face of the sun. Thank God he remembered to bring the color film. Steve likes the old black and white pictures, and Jonathan’s always preferred monochrome when he wasn’t forced into using color for the yearbook, but there’s something almost criminal about the thought of this moment without the golden glow on Steve’s skin, the bright blue of El’s bracelet on his wrist and the obnoxious Burger King logo on the side of the bag. It would be striking in black and white, but would it still feel like Steve?

“Really, what’d you get?”

“I just said whatever you got.”

“Oh, right. So they’re the same?”

The sun finally ducks below the horizon, and Jonathan lets his camera fall. “Yeah.”

Advertisements play for the drive-in’s upcoming events as they eat and the lot fills in with other cars. It’s not incredibly packed, and nobody parks any less than a carlength away from them. Steve makes jokes, and Jonathan laughs, but he doesn’t really know what’s funny. All he knows is that Steve looks just as good in the flickering light from the film screen as he did in the sunset. He’s still charming when he gets ketchup on his shirt. Not in the way that Steve Harrington’s always been charming, but in the way that when he flubs a word on the phone he’ll sometimes sing it over and over until he can figure out what he meant to say, or in the way that Jonathan can lay out all of his letters in order and pinpoint when Steve learned the difference between “its” and “it’s.”

Finally the title screen comes up. Steve opens his door and takes a single step outside just to chuck the Burger King bag into a faraway trash can like he’s shooting from half court. It sails in cleanly and he claps his hands with a loud whoop.

“God, get back in!” Jonathan grabs his shirt and tugs until Steve falls back, snickering. 

“It hasn’t started yet!”

“Yeah, and they’re gonna ask us to leave before anything even happens!”

“Hey, I’m sitting!” Steve pulls his door shut with all the youthful carelessness and ease that he used to play at, before everything started. “Oh, yeah, you can adjust the seat if you want.”

Jonathan feels around underneath his seat for a latch. “I don’t…”

“They’re electric. Here,” Steve says, and leans into his space to fiddle with a control panel on the side that Jonathan hadn’t seen. Steve’s arm brushes his leg and he grins as the seat slides back. 

Jonathan rolls his eyes. “Showoff.”

“Shh,” Steve says seriously. He doesn’t lean away. “Movie’s starting.”

Their eyes are locked. He’s never been so acutely aware of another person’s normal body heat.

“Then get out of my way so I can see it.”

It feels a bit like he’s won something as Steve slowly retreats, settling into his own seat with something in his eyes that Jonathan can’t recognize. It’s new. There are a lot of sides to Steve that he hasn’t seen before, apparently. The ignorance is frightening and exciting all at once. 

The movie starts. It draws him in so fully that he could almost forget Steve is sitting right there, but he can’t, and watching Steve is just as nice as watching the big screen. He’s seen this one before, anyways. Maybe when he was little it came on TV, or his mom showed it to him once, because the memories are fuzzy but he has them nonetheless, so he sneaks looks at Steve whenever he feels like it. It’s a harmless indulgence, one that he knows Steve doesn’t mind, so he lets himself linger, shifting in his seat so that he can see Steve more than the screen, just to admire the line of his jaw and the way Steve’s eyes go wide when he loses himself in the story.

Steve’s eyes slide to appraise him. “Thought you wanted to see the movie?”

“I can see enough,” Jonathan says honestly.

Steve shakes his head, letting out a sharp breath. “God, you’re killing me, man.”

“Maybe Clark Gable should just kill Ellie’s husband and clear all this up.”

Steve shifts to face Jonathan. “Nah, I think he and the husband should get together. I mean, I know he’s gonna end up with Ellie, but Ellie seems like a free spirit anyways. If he and Ellie just became friends and he got with her husband… that would be more fun.”

“I think that would make for a better movie.”

“What, you don’t like this?”

“No, I do. Just not as much as I like some other things.”

“I like you,” Steve whispers back. “More than anything.”

Something wells up in his throat. Steve looks so earnest, so comfortable despite the vulnerability in the air.

“I’m not making fun of you,” he says, silently begging his voice not to break, “I swear I mean it. That’s… the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It’s just the truth.”

“Well, you have a way with words. You make the truth sound pretty.”

Steve’s eyes rove across his face. He’s a little warm, honestly, sitting in a parked car in the spring without much air circulation, but under Stave’s gaze he feels as though he’s being stripped bare, and a shiver rocks his shoulders.

"You have a way with words, too," Steve whispers. “You have a way with everything.”

That’s his limit. Jonathan can’t stop his hand from going straight to Steve’s jaw where it belongs, just to hold his face, the most precious thing he’s ever been permitted to touch, and Steve lets him, eyes soft and disbelieving like he’s the one who’s transgressing a boundary. He must have shaved this morning, or even more recently, because his skin is almost unnaturally soft, inviting Jonathan to brush his thumb slowly back and forth and revel in it. 

Steve’s eyes flutter briefly, before his gaze falls to the rainbow bracelet on Jonathan’s wrist.

“El made it for you,” he says, half surprised that his voice still works. “I figured I’d just... wait for it to come up.”

He’d forgotten about it entirely.

“God, that’s sweet.” Steve’s eyes stay on the bracelet as his fingers wrap around Jonathan’s wrist, lifting his hand away from his face just enough that he can press his lips against his pulse point.

“Here,” and Jonathan is working the bracelet off his wrist, taking Steve’s hand and ignoring the fluttering in his chest as he slides it on beside the watch and tightens it. He looks up and finds Steve’s eyes on his lips.

He leans in. Steve holds up his index finger and Jonathan freezes just before he runs face-first into it. “Uh, two things. Three. Yeah, three. One, I… absolutely want to, uh... but, two, I think people can see us right now.” 

“Everyone’s looking at the screen,” Jonathan says, and Steve pulls his finger away.

“Well, yeah, but, uh, three,” Steve mumbles. “Shit, three was…” His brow knits in confusion.

“You... actually want to watch the movie? I am actually enjoying it. I’d like to watch the rest.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“What? I can’t be open to different things? I’m three-dimensional.”

“You are,” Steve says. Soft just like the rest of him, like his heart and his smile and those bits of hair at the base of his neck that Jonathan’s been dying to twist around his fingers.

He turns to face the screen before he can do something stupid, like tell Steve how everything about him feels safe, or suggest that they leave before the movie ends. All he wants is to watch the movie. He just wants to watch the movie, and he doesn’t want to cry, or reach across the console, or kiss the only person who he thinks has ever really known him. 

There’s something a little hypnotizing about the way people talk in old movies.

“Perhaps you’re interested in how a man undresses,” Clark Gable says, tugging off his sweater. “You know, there’s a funny thing about that. Quite a study in psychology. No two men do it alike. You know, I once knew a man who kept his hat on until he was completely undressed! Yeah, now, he made a picture.”

Steve coughs. Jonathan doesn’t look over. 

“It’s kinda unique that he’s not wearing an undershirt,” Jonathan says. “At the time it was… people usually wouldn’t just be shirtless on film.”

“Hm.”

Clark Gable continues to undress as he describes the process. “The pants should be next,” he winks. “There’s where I’m different. I go for the shoes next. First the right, then the left. After that, it’s every man for himself.”

“Do you have an order?” Steve asks.

“I… never really thought about it.”

“Well, I have. Uh, basketball. You know. It’s funny, some guys leave their shoes for last.”

“Huh. I think I… I mean, it’s shoes, shirt, pants, right?”

“Really? I go shirt first.”

“Well, of course  _ you _ do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Shh, I’m watching the movie.”

Steve scoffs, and Jonathan risks a peek to see that there’s a satisfied grin on his face.

It’s a good movie. The car speakers add a bit of tinniness to the audio and it’s a little more humid out than he’d like. Sometimes a fly drifts in through the window and buzzes around his face for a few minutes. Steve mixes up all the male characters and needs Jonathan to remind him who’s who. He loses track of time, leaning in to whisper his commentary even though they’re not in a theater and there’s no need, and before he knows it the credits are rolling.

“I liked it,” Steve announces, starting up the car and pulling into line to exit the drive-in.

“So did I.”

“Her dad was actually pretty cool. I feel like that’s kinda weird. Not, like… I didn’t  _ want  _ him to suck, or anything.” Steve fiddles with his hair, frowning at it in the rearview mirror. Each time he runs his hands through it, his face changes like he’s appraising something complex that Jonathan can’t see.

“No, I know what you mean. The rich dad character’s always concerned about appearances at the expense of his kid’s happiness, but this guy seems like he really wants her to be happy. It’s uncommon.”

“Yeah.” Steve nods, craning his neck to see how many cars are in front of them. The line’s slow-moving. “I lied,” he says.

“What?”

Steve only looks at him for a split second before focusing intently on the cars ahead. “Um. My dad’s not out of town.”

“Oh.” 

“I’m not… I, uh, I haven’t told Robin yet. But she said I could… It should be okay, if I go to her house.”

“Stay with me,” he says. “I… for tonight, or as long… uh, I got my own room, so you can…” He swallows. “What happened?”

They move up in the line. "I don't really…" Steve runs a hand through his hair. "I don't think I can… Can we talk about it later?"

The look on his face makes Jonathan’s heart ache. He glances at the backseat and notices that there's a guitar case laying across the floorboards.

“...You know how Capra’s the quintessential American filmmaker?”

Steve tilts his head. “The what?” 

“Like… he’s the perfect example of what you might think of when you think of Americana. All the idealistic parts, anyway, even though his stuff definitely acknowledged the depth of inequality in the country. He was optimistic about it, though. Like, the poor guy gets rich by the end, or he realizes that he never needed the money to begin with, or he gets just what he needs to survive and they call it a happy ending. It’s kind of propaganda-y, you know, it’s a total fantasy, but… I don’t know.”

The car eases up another spot.

“I guess…” Jonathan starts, unsure where he’s headed, “It’s naive. Capra got to be a big-time director, he’s a success story, so he thinks the system’s fair, or he doesn’t care that it isn’t. His heroes come out on top, so who cares about all the unnamed extras that don’t?”

Steve sighs. “I’ve always liked It’s a Wonderful Life. Like, maybe we can’t do shit about the big things, but the little things matter, too. They’re big when you take a step back and really look. I mean, like you said, it's total bullshit, but it's a nice movie.”

"Well, it's not  _ total  _ bullshit."

"Jonathan Byers, are you compromising your artistic integrity just to agree with me?" 

"No! I just… think you made a good point." 

He can't look Steve in the eye right now. He looks at Steve’s hand instead, dangling from where he's rested his arm on the console. 

"What point?"

"Capra’s politics aside, it's nice to… believe, I guess. That what you're doing matters. That things can always get better. Things  _ do  _ get better when you have people who support you, which is like, the whole thing in It’s a Wonderful Life. And I do believe that. Sorry if I don't… communicate it right."

"You communicate just fine," Steve says. "Seriously, I always… I don't know." 

"You always what?"

"I was just going to say that I understand you. Like, you just… everything you say just makes sense."

An employee finally waves them out, and just like that they’re on the road again, headlights cutting through the darkness and making the night seem that much blacker by comparison. Steve’s hand is still there. His fingers are shaking, just a little, and the realization washes over him heavy and slow. It’s an invitation.

“You know,” Jonathan says, “George Bailey, the guy in It’s a Wonderful Life, he didn’t just have a bunch of fans in town for no reason. He was… kind, and brave, and selfless. He really deserved it.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Steve says. “It’s kind of bullshit that he never got to travel, though.”

“Who says he didn’t? Maybe a couple years later he got to take his whole family on a trip.”

“...Yeah. Maybe.”

Steve doesn’t quite smile, but it’s close. It’s enough. Their hands fit together nicely, fingers comfortably entwined, and Jonathan holds on tight all the way to the motel.

Mom meets them on the sidewalk in her pajamas. If she's surprised to see Steve stepping out of the car instead of driving off, she doesn't show it.

"Steve! It's been a while."

"Hey, Ms. Byers."

"Oh, Joyce," she says, pulling him into a hug. Steve makes panicked eye contact with Jonathan over her shoulder and Jonathan holds back a laugh, slinging his camera bag over his shoulder. The weight is familiar, nice and grounding in the face of whatever's making his heart go crazy right now. 

"I swear you're taller than you were at Christmas."

"Maybe I had different shoes on."

Mom laughs and lets Steve go with a pat on the arm, then turns to him. "Oh, before I forget, I went ahead and put your stuff in your room, it's right next to mine. Here's the key." She pats down her pockets before pulling out a dull old key on a branded keychain.

"Thanks." Suddenly, he feels like he needs a hug, too.

"So, did you boys have fun?"

He looks to Steve, who seems embarrassed. "Yeah, we did. Right, Steve?"

"Right! It was... great. Uh, good movie. Really, it was nice."

"What did you see?"

"It Happened One Night," Jonathan says. "The old Capra movie?"

"Oh! I always used to love that one," Mom says softly. She smiles at him, just long enough that he worries that he's missing something, before she speaks again. "Well, I'm glad you had a good time. I just wanted to make sure you got back okay. I'm having breakfast with Karen in the morning, so if I'm gone by the time you wake up don't worry, okay?"

"Okay, Mom."

"Night, boys. Good to see you, Steve." 

"You too," Steve says, waving as she retreats and letting his hand fall lamely down once she gets inside. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything."

Steve shakes his head and rolls his eyes as he heads toward the trunk. Jonathan beats him there, opening it to find a single pillow squished next to a large duffle bag and an overstuffed backpack that's just barely zipped. He takes the duffle bag. Underneath he finds the bat, nails gleaming wickedly under the harsh street lights.

"Do you need…" He reaches for the backpack.

"No," Steve says, jerking his head to signal that Jonathan should step back. He does, and Steve slams the trunk shut. "It's just, like, pictures and shit. Birth certificate. Boring stuff." Steve studies the asphalt.

"Is it later yet?"

"I'd rather it not be."

"...Alright." 

Steve frowns. "Really?"

"...We've got time." Jonathan sets off toward their room, calling back to Steve, "So, pictures are boring? I see how it is."

He slides the key into the lock, jiggles it a bit before it turns. The door swings open without him pushing. He glances up from the knob to see Steve's hand against the faded numbers on the door.

"...Thanks."

Jonathan sets Steve's bag down in a chair by the door, and his own camera bag down on the foot of the quilt-covered queen size bed. The motel's clearly old-fashioned, with a chipped wood bedframe and worn brown carpet on the floor. There's a newish radio on the dresser, though, which Steve makes a beeline for once he shuts the door and slides both the lock and the security chain into place. 

Familiar notes dance on the air, and before Jonathan can even process the song that’s playing, Steve’s holding his hand, pulling him into the small open space by the door.

“Dance with me.”

“To this?”

“Yeah!” He takes Jonathan’s other hand, pulling them both up and depositing them on his shoulders before resting his own hands on Jonathan’s hips.

_ “Into the light…” _

Jonathan can’t help but laugh. “We’re slow dancing to Siouxsie and the Banshees?”

"What? You— you don't think this is romantic?" Steve feigns offense, frowning even as his eyes shine.

"I didn't say that."

Steve’s eyes keep shining on Jonathan as he leans in, until he shifts to the side to lean even closer and his eyes are out of sight. He whispers, voice rough, lips soft as they brush Jonathan's ear. 

"You know, for the past few weeks, ever since I got the tape, every night I just... put on my headphones, and I would listen to it all the way through, and I’d think about you." His hands slide from Jonathan’s hips to meet on his back, tugging him forward until their bodies are flush against each other. They sway. 

“...Alright, that's a little romantic.”

He must have been six years old when he met Steve. First grade. The first through third grades all shared the playground, and Jonathan remembers how Steve would always climb up on top of the monkey bars so nobody else could play on them. He didn’t mean to stop people. Those brave few who still swung across never got knocked off or heckled. Steve was just the only second grader who could climb on top of the bars and make it look effortless. He liked showing off, and there would always be a crowd of kids gathered in a rough circle below him on the ground, trading Hot Wheels and baseball cards and shrieking with joy as they put all of their weight into ripping their Stretch Armstrongs apart. 

Maybe that doesn’t count as meeting. Jonathan barely spoke a word in elementary school to anyone, let alone to the cool kid a year older to him, and watching someone might help you think you know them, but it’s not the real thing. Maybe they really met when he was twelve and Steve was thirteen, and Steve bumped into him at school and didn’t even seem to notice until Jonathan was already halfway down the hallway. He’d heard a “sorry,” absentminded and honest as far as he could tell, but Jonathan’s eyes had been on his feet and Steve was worlds away. Steve might have even been talking to somebody else. They never really spoke until the day Steve broke his camera. He never saw Steve so clearly until the night he took his picture.

That feels wrong, though. That’s beyond a first meeting, or a first acknowledgement, or even a first encounter. Jonathan isn’t sure that it really counts as a first anything. 

Maybe a first shame. Jonathan tucks his face into the crook of Steve’s neck.

He doesn’t know when Steve first entered his life, and he isn’t quite sure when shame entered the picture, either. In a more general sense, he’d felt ashamed for as long as he could remember. He felt ashamed whenever he cried, whenever he broke something, whenever his father looked him in the eyes. He'd felt ashamed to take up space, to need attention or want love. That perpetual shame of existence was different, though, to the feeling that flooded his gut as he grew. A different kind of shame was born of new feelings, the ones that his father attempted to beat out of him, the ones that he could never name for fear of granting them legitimacy. Jonathan is ridiculous, and of course they’re the same thing, shame is shame, but with age came guilt and humiliation along with shame, the occasional adult desire to die eclipsing the regular childhood desire to simply disappear, and they're different, he knows it. It was the knowledge of what that shame meant that hurt him more than the shame itself. 

Shame is funny, though. It’s rather susceptible to inertia. Live with the shame, continue living with the shame. Cast it off, and it struggles to return. Shame hasn’t gripped him in a while.

Steve holds him close as they sway, setting their own rhythm that’s just barely offset from that of the music. His body is solid, arms strong and voice pleasant as he hums something that sounds a little bit like the lyrics. Jonathan lets one hand hang down Steve’s back while the other curls into his hair, because he can do that. He can twist Steve Harrington’s hair around his fingers, and he can hear Steve hum in pleasure, and he can feel the way his throat vibrates with it. He can smell Steve’s cologne, woodsy yet indistinctly floral and almost certainly expensive, and he knows that if he opened his eyes, he could see a delicate assortment of beauty marks splashed across Steve’s neck.

“I think I might be crazy,” Steve says lightly.

“Why’s that?”

“I’m in love with a guy who lives a thousand miles away.”

Jonathan laughs, pressing his face deeper into the crook of Steve’s neck. “I think I might be a little crazy, too.”

The song fades out, and there's just a second of dead air before something fast and hard comes pulsing from the speakers. They keep swaying. 

Steve's chest rises and falls with a deep breath before he says, “Yeah?” His voice wavers.

Jonathan swallows, finally pulling back to meet Steve’s eyes once again. They’re watery. He allows himself to take it all in. Wide brown eyes. Freckles. The tiny scar on his lip, and the slightly crooked tilt to his nose.

“Yeah. I’m just… absolutely obsessed with this meathead jock.” 

Jonathan revels in the way that Steve presses his lips together when he’s trying to hold back a smile.

He strokes Steve’s cheek. “Yeah, he’s not as bad as he sounds, though. He’s kind of incredible. Really brave. Smart. Good with kids, gets along with my mom, the whole package."

Steve finally breaks into a grin. "Shut the hell up." 

"I mean it."

"Well, I mean shut up," Steve says, and kisses him.

“Good kisser, too,” Jonathan breaks off to gasp, which was a good decision judging by the way Steve grips the fabric of his shirt to tug him closer.

Steve's eyes flick down, and he takes his time slowly pulling them back up to meet Jonathan’s gaze. “Keep talking, see what happens.”

“Oh, I’m going to. Did I mention that he saved my life one time?”

“Twice.”

Jonathan chuckles. “Alright, two times. One was more intimate than the other.”

Steve raises his eyebrows. “Oh, it was intimate?”

“Yeah, he used my bat and everything.”

“Mmm, pretty sure that wasn’t your bat.”

“The bat I nailed, then.”

“Interesting word choice.”

Jonathan rolls his eyes and Steve laughs, leaning in so that their foreheads rest against each other.

Steve sighs. “God, this is easy.”

“What, making innuendos?”

“No,” he says, shaking his head gently. “Just… this. Being with you.”

“I get what you mean,” Jonathan whispers. He tilts his head to recapture Steve’s lips, and Steve’s right, because of course he is. It’s easy.

Jonathan loses track of the songs in the background. They melt languidly into each other the way he melts into Steve, his breathing growing heavier as Steve’s hands slip under the hem of his shirt and his fingers press firmly into his skin. Jonathan keeps his own hands on Steve’s face and neck, cradling his jaw and twisting the soft strands of hair by Steve’s ears around his fingers until Steve sighs, smiling against his lips and pressing forward, pressing until Jonathan has to stumble back a couple steps and fall onto the bed, tugging Steve along with him. They fall, Steve landing on top and knocking the wind out of him.

"Hey," Jonathan wheezes. “Wait.”

Steve’s up and off of him in an instant, staring worriedly down at Jonathan and holding his hands up. “Sorry. Shit, I’m sorry, are you… 

“Steve?”

“Yeah?” His face is pinched in concern.

"I only meant wait for me to move the camera."

"Oh." Steve lets his hands fall to his sides. "Obviously."

He smiles. "Obviously."

Steve clears his throat. "Well. Uh… Speaking of."

Steve lifts his camera bag off the foot of the bed, but he doesn't set it down.

"What are you doing?"

"You owe me," Steve says, lifting the camera up and lowering the bag gently to the ground.

"Oh, no, come on!" Jonathan lunges up and Steve dances backwards.

"Nope! I need replacements."

Steve hasn't taken a picture yet. He bounces in place, ready to move if Jonathan does, but… Jonathan doesn't want to move. He doesn't mind the sight of Steve's hands around his camera.

"...Fine."

"Fine?"

"Yeah," Jonathan says. "Just tell me what to do."

Steve freezes. "Oh. Oh, uh…" 

"What? I thought you wanted to direct."

Jonathan watches him glance, panicked, around the room, until his eyes fix on something and a smile blooms across his face. "Oh, I got it."

He follows Steve's gaze. "The bathroom?"

"Lead the way," Steve commands, so he does. 

"I'm not getting in the shower."

"Who said anything about a shower? The lighting would be terrible."

"I'd put you in the shower. If I was directing." Jonathan leans against the sink, Steve hovering by the doorframe.

"Why's that?"

"Well, so you'd be wet. Why else?"

Steve's laugh booms against the tiles, and God what Jonathan wouldn't give to see Steve laugh every day for the rest of his life. His whole body rocks with it, his eyes shining and mouth wide open, and even when it tapers off into choked giggles it's still the most beautiful thing in the world.

"Jesus Christ, just turn around," Steve says, tugging Jonathan's shoulder to spin him so they're looking into the mirror together. He slings his arm fully around Jonathan's shoulders, tugs him so their bodies are flush against each other. Steve holds the camera up to his eye with one hand and squints in concentration as he squeezes the shutter release. "See? Like the first ones."

"...Hand it here."

Jonathan ducks out from under Steve's arm, taking the camera and trapping Steve in a side hug. He holds the camera up in front of Steve's face. "Tell me when."

"Here." Steve gently nudges the camera down a bit, ducking to peer through the viewfinder a few times before nodding. "There. Like this."

He won't be able to develop the film until he's home. The framing and focus will almost certainly be a little off, they both have dark circles under their eyes, and the motel bathroom lighting is absolutely atrocious, but he already knows that this one is good. It'll be good.

Jonathan squeezes the shutter release before he can think about it any more.

-

> _ Shithead, _
> 
> You know which stuff's from me and what's from Robin. I put that note for your mom in here so you can pick when to give it to her like wait and make sure she’s not having a bad day first you know? I really want you to be able to come up with everyone else so make sure she has our number and tell her she can call whenever with any questions. 
> 
> Anyways you need to call me more asshole I get worried when it’s been too long and if I call you I end up having to talk to Susan for like an hour and your mom is nice but I feel like a creep being like hey I actually called to talk to your teenage daughter so I can’t get out of it. How’s soccer? You’re turning into such a jock I’m proud I hope you’ve been breaking ankles. Also I hope you know that phrase because I don’t actually want you to break anyone’s ankles. I know you would do it because you’re a little demon. You had better still be little if you show up and you’ve grown I’m gonna be so pissed. 
> 
> I hope you're doing okay. I know the last couple years haven't been easy on any of us and sometimes it's really easy to convince yourself that you should be okay or you don't have the right to ask for help or whatever. That's stupid. Maybe sometimes you have to be okay for your mom or El or whoever but you don't have to do that with me. Ever. I'm here for you no matter what. Unless you tell Dustin that I sent you a letter and not him because then I'll have to tell him you're a dirty liar. Don't snitch.
> 
> So anyways I can help with lots of stuff but mostly with emotions and hair. My cosmatology stuff is going good and technically I can't do hair as a job for another few years and who knows if I'll find something else I'd rather do by then but the point is I’m really good at it and it’s fun and I have a bit of practice now so if Will's hair is still terrible when you all come up I can save you from having to look at it. All I need is for you and Lucas to hold him down. Maybe we can save Mike too while we're at it. I did Jonathan's hair just the other day and he said like three of his photography friends separately complimented him on it so you can trust me it'll be for their own good. 
> 
> Really I can't wait to see you all and in the meantime don't do anything I wouldn't do. I'm terrified of what you all are going to do to this poor unsuspecting city. It's going to be so awesome. I am absolutely not going to take you to a bar and if you ask I’ll make you go to a museum every day. I can play some of the songs I made with Robin’s artsy friends for you at the apartment.
> 
> Love,
> 
> _ Steve _
> 
> _ P.S. MADMAX _
> 
> I think you’ll really like the zine. It’s absolutely not parent-friendly, so be careful of your mom. Me and some of my classmates actually contributed a lot to it, see if you can spot my stuff. Hint: it’s not parent-friendly!
> 
> Anyways, I know you’re a little California sea urchin, but I think you’re gonna like New York. I know you’ll LOVE visiting since EL is coming too!! Don't think you're safe just because she'll be here, I'll find some time to interrogate you alone.
> 
> Call Mama Steve more often. He worries about all of you little ducklings. 
> 
> LOVE,
> 
> _ Robin _

-

> _ Dear El and Will, _
> 
> I wrote your names in alphabetical order, don't you dare try to argue about favorites. I'm putting this all in writing so you won't forget anything (yes Will I'm talking to you) and so nobody can argue about rules (yes El I'm talking to you) when you come up here for spring break. 
> 
> New York is expensive, and me and Robin have classes we can't miss, so Steve is going to be taking off from work a few days to show you all around. You know what that means? No hitting up the Bank of Steve for whatever souvenirs you find in Times Square. We'll feed you, but you're all old enough to get jobs and start saving for the things you want.
> 
> Robin got you guys this brochure thing for all the shows that'll be on Broadway (and off-Broadway, which is Broadway for those of us who aren't rich assholes) when you're in town. You guys have to agree on one in the next few days and call me so we can get the tickets. Don't worry about paying for them, Steve's going full soccer mom and coordinating with the parents on that front, but once again, I don't care how much you want the overpriced t-shirts they have at the show, you'll have to get those yourself.
> 
> None of you will be going anywhere without me, Steve, or Robin chaperoning. Don't tell Karen Wheeler, but our place isn't exactly in the nicest part of the city, and anybody who looks at you guys will know you're from out of town and they'll try to take advantage of that. El, Max, and Lucas don't count as chaperones just because they can kick ass. If anything they need extra supervision. 
> 
> The girls can squeeze into Robin's room if they really want to, but everyone's gonna be on the living room/kitchen floor otherwise. Sorry Will, but I'm not kicking Steve out of our bed just so you can hog the blankets and kick me all night. You and your friends can fight over the sofa all you want but there's no room for a cage match in the apartment, so you'd better get it sorted before you get here. Our sofa honestly kind of sucks anyway. We made a packing list that you guys can share with everyone:
> 
>   * One pair of shorts, one pair of jeans, five shirts. That's it. We don't have room for six teenagers AND six giant suitcases.
> 

>   * Spare socks and underwear, one or two more pairs than you'll need
> 

>   * Light jacket
> 

>   * Comfortable sneakers. Don't try to make Steve take you on the subway. You'll walk and you'll like it.
> 

>   * Money. Bring as much as you want, you're not going to get pickpocketed or mugged as long as you listen to us. If Mike's mom gives him a lot don't try to make him give you some. I know Will was raised better than that and El, you ought to know by now too. I’ll give you guys a bit of cash to pick out something to bring Mom back.
> 

>   * Sleeping bag/pillows/etc
> 

>   * Any medications your friends need
> 

>   * Soap, shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant. We're gonna have nine people sharing one bathroom, so you'll want to bring your stuff in a labeled bag and get used to brushing your teeth at the kitchen sink.
> 

>   * Don't bring backpacks to wear around the city. They're annoying and none of us will want to be seen with you. Robin wants me to specify that this is directed at Lucas even though it applies to everyone.
> 

> 
> That should be all of the semantics. I know that I can nag you two and be annoying sometimes, but I am really excited to see you both. I love you. Remind Mom to mail me the recording of El's show. Our apartment could use some artwork, too. According to my roommates, my own pictures make for pretty depressing decor. We could use your help. In the meantime, be good, stay out of trouble, and if you can't, try not to get caught.
> 
> Your incredibly cool and absolute favorite brother,
> 
> _ Jonathan _

-

"What I hide by my language, my body utters. I can deliberately mold my message, not my voice." - Roland Barthes, _ A Lover's Discourse: Fragments _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... holy shit!
> 
> idk where to start!!! this is the longest thing i've ever written. when i posted the first chapter i honestly had no clue whether or not i was going to continue. i got a concussion halfway through this fic. it's the most self-indulgent thing i've ever written, i talk about movies in it way too much, and i'm absolutely obnoxious about symbolism and subtext. much to my surprise, some people have actually read this fic and liked it!
> 
> thank all of you for that. it's been such an honor to read your reviews and know that my writing's actually touched people in some way. i hope you all think this chapter is an okay resolution to the story you've enjoyed.
> 
> special thanks to morgan whose kind reviews and encouraging words have kept me writing when i felt discouraged, to lily who helped me when the ending was out of focus even though she doesn't give half a shit about stonathan, and above all to sarah who has my heart and to who i owe every word i've ever written about stranger things. also to taylor swift for releasing folklore because it's become my writing music in the six days i've had it and i've been more productive in those six days than i have in like the entire past three months combined. 
> 
> as always i'd love to hear all of your thoughts, in a comment here or on my tumblr @lesbianrobin!!!


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